BARONY OF BODLINGTONE, BODLANDIA – In a verbal statement made during the most recent conference call, a Society for Creative Anachronism board member was reported to state that The SCAllion “does not reflect our values of accountability and transparency.”
Deep Gorget reports that at least one member of the Board of Directors on the May conference call that The SCAllion needed to sign their work, and that The SCAllion’s emphasis on anonymity showed a level of secrecy that ran counter to the culture of the Society. “We take transparency very seriously, and the Board is committed to being as transparent as possible,” the member was reported to say. “Secrecy is not a community standard.”
As a point of reference, at the time of writing, six weeks after the board meeting where the Chair of the Board of Directors read a prepared statement addressing the concerns of the membership on a polarizing administrative sanction, neither the text of the statement nor clarification on the nature of the Society’s “community standards” have been published by the Board of Directors or Corporate Officers.
The SCAllion regrets that it is impossible to identify which board members are speaking in these exchanges. Our request for the relevant portions of the transcript was declined on the basis of “confidentiality.”
BARONY OF ALTAVIA, CAID — Two months ago, in an attempt to conduct a more dignified court, the King and Queen quietly banished those individuals who are known for making sarcastic, albeit hilarious, remarks from the back of royal court.
“To me, the SCA is all about pageantry and ritual,” remarked Their Majesty in an interview conducted just after the banishments had been announced, “When certain people make unsolicited comments from a partially obscured place in court, it really takes from everybody else’s experience. Oh, I know many people claim to enjoy the comments, but they’re just being nice. What the people really want is a court that conducts itself with the utmost seriousness.”
“That having been said,” interjected His Majesty, “We are well aware that the populace enjoys the social commentary, so we have invited two individuals new to our kingdom to provide this commentary while conducting themselves with the utmost courtesy and decorum. Lords Statler and Waldorf are certain to add the solemnity our courts so sorely need.”
Since then, it has been noted amongst the Caidan populace that Their Majesties are at the moment regretting this decision. Seemingly ignorant of Lords Statler and Waldorf’s modern occupation, the Crowns have spent subsequent royal courts on the receiving end of an amount of mean-spirited heckling never before observed outside of discussions regarding the Board of Directors.
During a point of the primary royal court at Consort’s Champion, in which the king held forth at length about how unusual it is for him to get choked up while presenting an award (despite getting choked up at EVERY royal court, sometimes on multiple occasions), Lord Statler was heard to stage-whisper to Lord Waldorf, “Do you believe in life after death?” Lord Waldorf responded: “Every time I leave one of his courts!”
This behavior was repeated two weeks later at Potrero War, where the lively lords broke up a particularly tedious knighting with their inimitable brand of heckling. When reprimanded by Their Majesties, Lord Statler again stage-whispered to his companion, “The SCA is a completely different culture isn’t it?”
Lord Waldorf agreed, declaring, “You said it! Everything here is immediately followed by sarcastic comments and nasty responses!”
“Yup,” replied Lord Statler, “We’re finally where we belong!” As is becoming habit, both lords proceeded to burst into obnoxious laughter.
The SCAllion asked the lords about their new roles following the royal court at Lyondemere Investiture, Lord Statler commented on the court experience under Their Majesties: “You know, there’s nothing like a truly decorous court.”
“Yep, and that was nothing like it!” answered Lord Waldorf.
When asked whether they were concerned that their remarks would end in banishment, Waldorf remained confident. “It’s not going to happen. Maybe if the Crown had minions that weren’t so utterly lazy or useless with simple tools like screwdrivers…” Lord Waldorf continuing “We can’t be kicked out! We’re bolted to the seats!”
“Besides,” added Lord Statler, “After sitting through a few of their courts, banishment would be a reprieve!”
“We could really go for a good R&D right about now,” asserted Lord Waldorf.
Despite the established conflict between the two parties,The SCAllion is certain that, on this point, Their Majesties would agree. The SCAllion has also noted that despite the rather zingy one-liners, even then it is not clear whether or not Community Standards would apply as a reason for any sort of Revocation and Denial of Benefits or if it would apply to Lords Statler and Waldorf.
P.S.: Jaws says we should note that Statler & Waldorf are owned by Disney, and not by us.
CANTON OF CHARLESBURY CROSSING, ATLANTIA — The Kingdom of Atlantia has recently been rocked by scandal as a female squire is threatening a lawsuit in order to join the Order of the Chivalry.
Barone Johanna Ffeyrmayden, currently squired to Sir Thebald Valret, is preparing to file a request for reasonable accommodation to the Order of the Chivalry, based on comments made during her candidate discussion and shared with her by her Knight.
Knights during that meeting claimed to be “severely allergic” to the idea of a female knight, citing hives, congestion, headaches, coughs, and sore throats at the idea, and expressing concern at the possibility of stronger symptoms if a female candidate is elevated. A spokesman for the Order dismissed these comments as “boys being boys,” and “locker room talk.”
Barone Johanna’s complaint, which she says will be submitted to the Kingdom Seneschal within the week, states that the only feedback she has received is based on this claim of an allergic reaction, and that she meets every bar for inclusion otherwise. She also noted asking for reasonable accommodation in the form of the affected Knights taking over-the-counter allergy medication before seeing or interacting with a “Lady Knight”.
Attached to Johanna Ffeyrmayden’s complaint is an affidavit from her allergist, asserting that an allergy to female knights does not have a medical basis, and “sounds like a made-up condition.”
A concurrent petition is circulating among the populace for unrelated reasons, citing an overall desire to see some members of the Chivalry be more heavily medicated.
Do you have a burning question about a situation that happened in the SCA and want to ask Goody? You can write to Goody at this form. Questions may be truncated for publication, and submitted questions may not be answered.
Dear Goody, I’m not part of the LGBTQIA+ community myself, but I want to support my SCA friends who are part of that community, particularly during Pride Month. What are some good substantive ways to do that? — I Know That the A in LGBTQIA+ Isn’t For “Ally”
Dear Ally, There are so many ways you can help, but I can think of two really important ones:
First, make sure people know that you are an ally and that you are a safe person. Possibly find a way to display a rainbow or other ally token to make it very clear. Recently I have seen new rainbow peerage medallions, rainbow knight chains, rainbow ribbons and brooches being worn by LGBTQIA+ and allies. This visibility brings a lot of comfort to those who could use it.
The second way is to help call out bigots when they are being awful, especially during Pride. It’s sad, those who need to hurt others just to feel better about their own lives, but they are always out there. When they speak, answer louder. There are more allies than deeply terribly people and it might be good for them to know they are in the minority now. Maybe it will be helpful for them to experience some of the discomfort they enjoy causing so they can learn a little empathy. Well, we can hope.
Hope this helps,
Goody Advice
Dear Goody, I’ve been playing in the SCA for many years now but I am still confounded as to proper interaction with royalty. I cannot keep straight how to address them and what the protocol is, and by and large try to steer clear of them as much as possible, as they seem to be this rarified and unreachable group who swanks around events in a cloud of retainers. Any words of advice? Thanks, Stupefied Serf
Dear Stupefied,
It happens to the best of us. There are a lot of royals and royal peers, especially if you attend an interkingdom event. At wars it’s just hats galore and with standards of different kingdoms, well, good luck? If you are ever stuck, try this absolute truth: “Hi Your… um, I’m sorry, I don’t know your proper form of address, will you please tell me so I have it correct?” Trust me, they will tell you and probably won’t be dicks about it. If they are, note that name and let a few of your friendly neighborhood peers know about it and the problem will magically work itself out.
Also, there are some good guides on hats and regalia available online. Print them out and play “Royal & Count” (yes, that is a pun) with your friends. Rack up points for each bestowed peerage, Roses, Count/ess, Duke/Duchess, Prince/Princess, King/Queen, Territorial Noble and Court noble. Maybe the winner gets help striking camp or a nice beverage of their choice.
Hope this helps, Goody Advice
Dear Goody, People keep asking how a friend introduced his wife into the SCA. Truth is she started playing 35 years ago, and he found it through her 8 years ago, people keep referring to her as Ulric’s Wife and forget she has a name. Is this a common problem? -OfAethwulf
Dear OfAthelwulf,
Fantastic Atwood reference there. Seriously, <chef kiss>. Now, on to the advice: It really sucks when one member of a couple or family becomes more SCA-famous than the other or others. The best rebuttal to this is that any time you hear someone referred to as “Ulric’s wife” or “Caitlyn’s kid” interject the person’s name and interrupt the conversation. “Alys, you mean Alys, Ulric’s wife. That’s her name. Let’s use it.”
It seems painfully simple and a bit rude, but sometimes you have to squash down the polite and just make a firm point. Everyone deserves to be their own person, with their own agency, and their own name. Humans are not accessories and good on you for paying attention to this issue. No matter if m’lady “Alys” has been in society for 35 years or 35 minutes, she still gets to have her own name rather than just being someone’s other.
RIDING OF HOLLEKE TOR, KINGDOM OF AETHER – Over the weekend, Pseudonymous Bosch and No-Spoons-Only-Knives Hutchinson presided over the First Annual Knowne World SCAllion Symposium, a two day virtual event with a two dozen classes and presentations scheduled for ease of access to as many time zones as possible.
“At least one way of measuring the freedom of any society is the amount of comedy that is permitted, and clearly a healthy society permits more satirical comment than a repressive, so that if comedy is to function in some way as a safety release then it must obviously deal with these taboo areas. …If anything can survive the probe of humour it is clearly of value, and conversely all groups who claim immunity from laughter are claiming special privileges which should not be granted.”
Other classes and roundtables of note included “SCA Law and Policy: effective strategies for finding where they buried the relevant language this time”, “Running an underground newspaper for fun and (no) profit”, and “Community Standards: how the jokes write themselves.”
You-Don’t-Know-Who-I-Am Smythe taught a well attended class called “SCAllion Shenanigans and How Not to Get Caught”. The class examined several case studies of well executed SCAllion calling cards left anonymously for supporters of the online newspaper, as well as several near misses of SCAllion writers who were almost exposed in the act of leaving presents. There were also medical guidelines offered on how to deal with indigestion after eating the evidence.
Jaws, The SCAllion’s Legal Council, lectured on free speech and the modern threat to online satirical works, specifically calling out Gonzalez v. Google and a possible re-interpretation of Section 230 of the Communications Decency Act. Jaws concluded their presentation by handing out packages of shark gummies, which tasted suspiciously like conservative tears.
Although only writers, editors and researchers for The SCAllion were invited to the Symposium, the Editor-in-Chief announced that next year’s conference invitation will be extended to select Top Fans of the SCAllion FB page, and then provided a link where readers could learn how to apply to attend.
BARONY OF POLITARCHOPOLIS, LOCHAC — Chaos erupted at a small feast in Politarchopolis this week, as one of the diners was removed from the hall by the Baronial guard from the Barony of Ynys Fawr. It is understood that the gentle in question has been accused of crimes against the small island Barony’s navy.
The gentle in question, Burghermeister Jack the Hungry, made the following statement as he was being escorted from the feasting hall: “My lords, my ladies, this is feudalism manifest. Have a look at the pike-work here, I see that you know your Talhoffer well,” before demanding that those around him not touch any of his peanuts — though he later described the peanuts as “limp”.
On his exit, he complimented the parts of the feast which he was able to sample, describing it as a “succulent Politarchopolan meal”.
The captain of the Ynys Fawr Baronial Guard, Lord Harald inn Heill, told The SCAllion that the charges against Burghermeister Jack are related to a number of deficiencies in a ship that he sold to the Ynys Fawr Naval Squadron. “I suppose the biggest problem with the ship is that the prow fell off.
Admiral Angharad Crwban, head of the Ynys Fawr Naval Squadron, released a statement saying, “How long may she float with ships like this? It seems to have been made largely of cardboard and cardboard derivatives, and as a result 20 Ynys Fawr sailors were dumped into the sea.”
BARONY OF ADIANTUM, AN TIR — Kingdom and branch seneschals are left scrambling to undertake no end of damage control today, after a dispute between two members of the Order of the Chivalry culminated in a gruesome incident during the closing court for the Egil Skallgrimson Memorial Prize Tourney, or “Egil’s”.
At the center of the dispute is local fighter, Jǫrundr Narfason, an up-and-comer in the An Tir tournament circuit. Since he began fighting last year, Narfason has been noted to have developed informal coaching relationships with both Sir William Molyneux of Hastings and Jarlskona Guðríðr Fritjofsdottir. It has been widely assumed that Narfason would be taken as a squire by either one or the other before the end of the year.
As predicted, Sir William requested and was granted time during the closing court to announce his intention to take Narfason as his squire. Before the knight had finished his declaration, he was interrupted by Jarlskona Guðríðr, who angrily declared her intention to do the same. Onlookers reported that Narfason appeared “green around the gills” at this point. Their majesties did their best to smooth the dispute over with schtick, but the two knights were having none of it, calling for their swords and drowning out the protests of the Kingdom Earl Marshal.
Finally, His Majesty was struck by what can only be referred to as Not His Best Idea. An infrequent church-goer who is known among his fellow brethren for not having an attention span long enough to hear the point of the biblical parables, the king suggested that they look to the wisdom of Solomon in deciding who would take Narfason as squire. King Solomon, famed for his wisdom, once settled a dispute over a baby between two women, both of whom claimed to be the baby’s mother. Solomon responded by suggesting that they split the baby right down the middle and each woman could have half of the child. Not being familiar with the end of the story (in which the solution proved unnecessary) and the potential ramifications for Narfason, both Sir William and Jarlskona Guðríðr agreed to this solution. Jǫrundr Narfason, was not consulted and subsequently had to be restrained by his potential squire brothers from both knights.
When His Majesty, known for being a vocal proponent of following through immediately and the “Deeds, not Words” philosophy, demanded the Sword of State. As the Kingdom Seneschal brought him up to speed on the consequences of the proposal, His Majesty was seen to also go “green around the gills.” However, keeping true to his philosophy by proving his resolve through deed, the King made an unsuccessful attempt to follow through. Jǫrundr Narfason’s managed to evade the attempt, leaving everyone else relieved at the lack of necessary paperwork.
After the close of that disastrous court, it is reported that Sir William and Jarlskona Guðríðr decided to let bygones be bygones by going out for lunch together after leaving the site. Witnesses say that when the bill arrived, Sir William suggested they go halvsies, to which Jarlskona Guðríðr replied: “Too soon, dude.”
Friends report that Jǫrundr Narfason is on the mend and is expected to make a full, albeit slow, recovery. His doctors have declined to comment on his current condition or his ability to pass along the noble name of Narfason.
His Majesty has been suspended, pending investigations by both the local authorities and the Board of Directors, while Her Majesty has graciously agreed to finish out the remainder of their royal commitments single handedly.
Rumour has it that there is a growing vocal contingent advocating for the Solomonic solution to replace the buffet – a move that has surprised absolutely no one.
BARONY OF I’ÎLE DU DRAGON DORMANT, TIR MARA, EAST – Heirs of the East, Princesses Melodie and Jade, have announced that the only awards for their reign will be non-polling only. The announcement comes after the Heirs’ revealed that the first 4 months of polling discussions broke both their email boxes and their sanity. When reached for comment by The SCAllion, Princess Melodie, KSCA stated that “No seated royal should have to deal with this level of absolute chaos during their reign.”
“There are plenty of ways to recognize good people and their service without having to deal with committee discussions for any award we want to give out. I have to deal with business by committee enough in the real world, this is just too much.” said Princess Jade, OL, OP, OD.
The announcement caused a firestorm on each of the East’s twelve polling order email lists. (No satire here, the East has twelve polling orders.) The lists stopped processing emails entirely after four hours. The SCAllion reached out to the East Kingdom Webministry, who provide the space for the mailing lists. When our call was answered we could only hear eldritch screams and distant fire alarms.
The East Kingdom’s College of Scribes are celebrating the move as they will finally catch six months of breathing room to explore other arts, as they anticipate only half the number of scrolls as usual for a reign. When The SCAllion noted that the Order of the Rose is a polling order in the East, Her Highness Jade stated “If Our heirs want to poll me for the Rose, fine. I’m a triple peer in my own right and in my mind, this decision should make me a shoo-in for the Rose anyway.”
BARONY OF STERNFELD, THE MIDDLE – Shocked and horrified onlookers were forced to witness a spectacle never before seen in a Crown Tournament final this past weekend: Both competitors fought to what they decided was a “Draw” and mutually agreed to decide the outcome by increasingly harder cup shots, with only one left standing at the end, though likely irreparably damaged.
The finals, to be decided between Duke Fritz von Schmetterlingstrosse and newcomer and baby knight Sir Malcom Blakehalloc, were fought to an ugly draw when neither combatant could hit the other with a shot hard enough for the other to accept, with each claiming the other “just wasn’t getting there”. After a brief pause in the action, the two met alone at the center of the list and, after a short discussion, they threw down their shields and announced their intent to the marshals and populace. When the marshals approached the Crown, King Steffan Panzerschreck declared “I’ll allow it,” and the grim spectacle went on.
Each competitor hit the other firmly in the cup with increasingly more powerful shots, and more than a dozen spectators either passed out, vomited, or both, during the match. Local EMS was called, not for the finalists, but for the populace forced to witness the terrifying display. When asked for comment, the general consensus among the populace was something along the lines of “I mean, we really don’t want either of them reproducing, but this might be a little extreme, even for the Chiv.”
No word yet if the variance in the determination of the winner was allowed per the community standards.
BARONY OF SKRAELING ALTHING, EALDORMERE – Local Barony member Launslote du Letch was inducted into the brand new Ordre de l’Escalier Manquant by Her Majesty Ruxandra Zabellyska of Ealdormere. Since he did not have an Award of Arms, Launslote was thrilled with his new status, as he believed inclusion in the order automatically conferred an AoA. The Queen did not disabuse him of the notion.
In an exclusive interview with The SCAllion, Her Majesty said, “We’ve had problems with du Letch for years. He has caused several uncomfortable situations with femme and non-binary members of my kingdom, but his behavior usually does not cross the line into a reportable offense, and when it does, his victims are too traumatized or frightened to report it. Unfortunately, Launslote is a member of Duke Bedyvere Brasenhed’s household and calling out a friend of the Once and Future King is seen as politically problematic for a lot of vulnerable people.”
The Ordre de l’Escalier Manquant is a new award for the Kingdom and does not confer any precedence. Meistari Bosi Englandsfari, the Principal Herald of Ealdormere explained how the award came to be, “Before she was a peer, Ruxandra never received an explicit confirmation from the Kingdom Seneschal as to whether the SCAdian who had attacked her at a camping event had been officially reprimanded or if he faced any repercussions. Because she felt the “business side” of the Society never supported her and due to various other incidents she and I have observed in our 20+ years in the SCA, at her Curia she created this new order, the Ordre de l’Escalier Manquant. The award recipients are receiving appropriate recognition for actions and behaviors below the threshold of action for the ‘business side’, but she has also created a way for others to recognize those who may exhibit problematic behaviors.”
“Marginalized people usually have a way of communicating about bad actors,” Queen Ruxandra said tiredly. “The Kingdom’s policies about secrecy make it hard to protect ourselves. Since they will be listed in the Kingdom OP, I just made it easier to figure out who they are.”
Princess Quiteria Cerrada, the Queen’s heir, seeing the success of the new Order has vowed to create an additional order called the “Ordre de l‘Escalier Cassé” as a step down for the recipients of the previous award. “Let them think they are getting a Grant of Arms,” Princess Quiteria said, “I am tired of creepers being a part and parcel of The Dream.” The Ordre de l’Escalier Cassé comes with a banishment from the presence unless a higher level banishment is currently in force.
the SCAllion 
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