Arts and Sciences · Ealdormere · History

Staunch defender of the Roman Empire: “Clearly, they were all Spartacus.”

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BARONY OF RISING WATERS, EALDORMERE – A cinematic debate about Stanley Kubrick’s 1960 film, Spartacus, turned ugly this weekend at Kingdom A&S. Lady Publia Hostilia Asina was the center of the controversy, as she asserted that if Spartacus felt his freedom was important enough to instigate the slave revolt, he should at least sign his name to it.

When it was pointed out that the film made it explicit that Spartacus’ insecurities about his own lack of education prevented him from signing his name to anything, Lady Asina responded with: “There were proper channels to pursue if a slave wanted to be freed. If Spartacus wanted social change, he should have owned his words. Otherwise, he should have kept his trap shut and not upset the other slaves.”

Lady Asina took a very different perspective than most viewers of the film, stating, “If he’s instigating rebellions and gaining traction at the expense of the Roman Empire, he should have grown a pair and at least named himself as leader.”

When it was pointed out that if they had spoken up, non-Roman slaves would almost certainly have been crucified on the spot, Lady Asina scoffed. “Other people suggested methods of affecting change in Imperial Roman society and could not have done it anonymously with any success. Had I been in Spartacus’ place, I would never have tried to instigate a rebellion while concealing my name. That method would never have worked in real life.”

One Spartacus fan asked whether her opinions about political anonymity extended to voting. Lady Asina answered, “Absolutely. If you have any political opinion, you should own it. This idea that identifying yourself will lead to censure and social consequences is ridiculous. There’s a reason that the Roman Empire was so much more successful than the Republic – people always owned their political opinions. Always.”

When another fan brought up the question of whether or not the Roman Empire was really as successful as Lady Asina claimed, she responded: “Without a doubt – and it was in no small part due to heroes like Crassus who stood up to anonymous troublemakers who only wanted to stir up dissention through anonymity, by wisely crucifying the whole lot.”

Arts and Sciences · Knowne World · Lochac · Rowany · Second Generation

Woman discovers she has enough garb for Rowany Festival, panics

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BARONY OF INNILGARD, LOCHAC – Lady Winifred Chanter started preparing for Lochac’s Rowany Festival over the weekend. The almost week-long event occurs surrounding Easter, and like the Interkingdom Wars, takes significant preparation and planning. So Lady Winifred began with taking inventory of clothing pieces for her family of three. And panicked.

Somehow, she, her wife, and their 16 year old daughter had more than sufficient clothing for the six days, including weather changes, camp setup and teardown, messy classes, and court. In fact, her daughter who had claimed hand-me-downs from both her parents as well as newer pieces of her own, had an excess of appropriate clothing. 

Since this has not happened before in the 15 years the family has been in the Society for Creative Anachronism, Lady Winifred could not imagine that this state of affairs was correct and posted on Facebook, asking other people if this had ever happened to them. The answers were only somewhat reassuring, as older members stated that yes, this does, eventually, occur for most people. They didn’t need to make new garb, but they strongly advised trying every piece on to see what needed mending. Sure enough, about a third of the pieces had holes at the top of gores or at the corners of gussets, small tears, or other parts that needed tacking down or sewing up.

While this means Lady Winifred is not spending the next couple of weeks frantically pulling fabric from her stash, her wife Angharad is less pleased. “First, this means that the volume of her fabric stash won’t go down this year. And second, she expects all three of us to do our own mending! I’m supposed to be prepping the camp meal plan, and that is not something that we can just pull out from the closet.”

Advice · From the Newsroom · Laurel · Peerage

Goody Advice: Introverts, alcohol-free, and more

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Dear Goody, 
My husband, also a Laurel, is hitting on my apprentice. She is apparently receptive. 
Pissed Laurel

Dear Pissed, 

May I suggest couples’ therapy or therapy for your spouse? If he is hitting on your apprentice and is a peer and also the husband of her peer, your apprentice is in a really shitty spot. She might feel that she has to appear receptive to please someone in the circle she hopes to join one day. Your husband is a man in a position of power over your associate and he is being an absolute dick. Sure, your associate may have a bit of a crush on your spouse because of how they look, behave toward them, or how they art. However, he’s the one making the advances and I find it unlikely that your apprentice entered a relationship with you to get closer to your guy. Unless she begins dressing exactly like you and dyes her hair to match yours, she isn’t the issue. 

Your husband is. Talk to him and lay out some hard truths. Then, if your relationship is something you want to continue, get him some therapy. He seriously needs it.

Hope this helps!
-Goody Advice

Dear Goody,
I’m a timid introvert who is horrible at remembering people’s names, and barely know anyone in the SCA. How can I find my people?
Timid

Dear Timid, 

You have to do at least a little of the heavy lifting when finding your tribe. Pick up the event schedule. Find the things that interest you. Go to them. When you get there, introduce yourself and tell people you are new. Admit you are bad with names. Half of the SCA is shit at this.

After this, just be open and willing to have new experiences. Keep a small notebook in your bag or pouch and write down names and descriptions of people. Ask if you can snap a quick pic with your phone and label it with the name of the person in the photo. When you find people you enjoy, you can take that photo and use it to help memorize name and face together. Set a goal of meeting two new people or one new person per event and learn their name. Even if you don’t entirely vibe with them, their similar interests and your new connection can help introduce you to more people at the next event, and those might be your people. 

But you have to try and put in the work. Making new friends is worth the effort, especially in the SCA where they can often become like family. Get your notebook and phone and get to it. You have your people to find and they will probably be pissed that you didn’t find them sooner. We’re assholes like that, but you’ll love us.

Hope this helps!

-Goody Advice

Dear Goody, 
How do I have fun in the SCA without alcohol?
Happily Sober

Dear Sober,

Well, it’s actually quite easy. Many evening activities at camping events can be deeply enjoyed, and perhaps best enjoyed, sans alcohol. Period dance is not for the sloshed as just one English country dance can put you on your ass while sober. Subsequent rounds of dance only increase those odds especially in shoes with smooth soles. Bardic is actually better when you can remember the words to a song or poem rather than slurring into “I forget” and swearing. Gaming requires no alcohol, but it does help if your opponent is imbibing while you are not. Nothing like slow reaction time and distraction to improve your strategic attitude! 

As for the sunlit hours, day drinking seems like great fun but often knocks a person out of the event by late afternoon or evening. Staying hydrated during an event while fighting, performing service or sweating through an art/sci is much easier without booze and pretty much ensures a less shitty morning on the following day. However, sometimes the hardest part is finding a non-alcoholic beverage at a party, so be sure to bring your drink of choice with you. 

One of the best suggestions I can give is to find someone else who is also not indulging. It is preferred that this accomplice have a wicked sense of humor. Find yourselves a nice overlook and sip your soda, pop, sparkling water, tea, kombucha or whatever you enjoy while watching a raging party devolve into a dumpster fire. Try narrating what you see in the style of a documentary program, commenting like movie critics or go absolutely MST3K. You will not be disappointed by this.

Hope this helps!

-Goody Advice

Board of Directors · Lochac

Question of Oldest College in Lochac finally resolved

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BARONY OF ANEALA, LOCHAC — In a stunning turn of events, a winner has been declared in the debate about the Oldest College in Lochac. The Australian Board of Directors (AusBOD) has stepped in and declared the truth of which College will be officially considered the eldest of the Kingdom’s university-based groups.

For the past three decades, the College of Saint Ursula and the College of Blessed Herman the Cripple have argued about which of their groups was founded first. The paperwork on file supports one side, while claims of actual activity and delayed paperwork support the other. The debate was settled this week, however, when the AusBOD declared the College of Saint Basil the Great to be the true oldest college in Lochac.

“While the dates on paperwork may not seem to support this decision,” an AusBOD spokesperson told The SCAllion, “We made this decision based on what felt the most true, the most right. These arguments about the oldest college have brought many wars to our fair Kingdom, and we must have peace in these difficult times. Boom boom.”

Comments from representatives of the Colleges of Saint Ursula and Blessed Herman were received but deemed equally unfit for print.

Knowne World · Real Life · Trimaris

Florida Governor to require disclosure of the names of SCAllion staff

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BARONY OF OLDENFIELD, TRIMARIS: Following on the heels of some of the most restricting state legislation bills in the name of “freedom” and “liberty”, Governor Ron DeSantis of the State of Florida announced he would be personally sponsoring a bill that would not just require bloggers that discuss him in Florida to report their names to Tallahassee, but that SCA bloggers that write for The SCAllion would also have to report their names to the Board of Directors. 

“It’s very important that we uphold these values of true liberty, freedom, and support for the free press by making sure they’re protected. By putting their names on lists. Easily accessible lists, wherein no harm will come to them whatsoever as long as they write favorably and don’t say anything that makes anybody mad whatsoever,” he said.

When The SCAllion asked Governor DeSantis why he decided to get involved with Society for Creative Anachronism politics, DeSantis replied, “I was approached by several supporters, mostly from outside of the Great Kingdom of Trimaris, to bring this issue to light. Also, since the SCA is an educational society, they may fall under some additional legislation as well.” The governor paused, “Wait, is there a union for SCA teachers? We’ll need to put their names on a list as well.” 

Governor DeSantis is a graduate of Yale University’s history program where The SCAllion uncovered that he, indeed, learned about the type of people who historically put people on lists, and what happened to them, but much of his training and career as a lawyer made him stop caring about the finer nuances of crimes against humanity. 

Citizens of the Kingdom of Trimaris were unavailable for comment, as they were too busy dressing their week-old wounds and making a fresh batch of rum runners at 9am EDT.

Board of Directors · Leaks · Leeks · Meridies

SCA BoD Discovered to be HOA

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CANTON OF SOUTH REACH, MERIDIES – In a groundbreaking piece of investigative journalism, The SCAllion has learned that the Board of Directors for the Society for Creative Anachronism, Inc. are in fact a local homeowner’s association based out of the Canton of Hockwald.

“It all makes sense now,” said Tighearn Curstaidh Keegan, a resident of the area. “You start to think about the meetings that no one attends, the arbitrary decisions, the mistrust and annoyance of most of the membership. It’s actually not that surprising.”

The SCAllion has learned that Corpora is nearly identical to the governing documents for the Mountain Gate Homeowners’ Association, with only slight tweaks to the wording changing the incredibly specific requirements to maintain landscaping in the small HOA to incredibly specific requirements for Crown List.

Sharp-eyed readers of Corpora can still find places where the SCA Governing Documents have not been fully converted from the HOA bylaws. Examples include the requirement that Kingdoms may only park two vehicles in their driveways and the list of approved colors for tents.

We here at The SCAllion would love to investigate further, but we can’t afford to take the time away from our regular mandate of providing you high-quality satire that’s both silly and biting social commentary. You can help by liking and sharing this article using the hashtag #TheSCAllion and telling us the rules from your local group, Kingdom, or Corpora that seem most like an HOA gone rogue.

King · Midrealm · Peerage · Queen · Rose · Royal Peer

Royal Peers discovered to be most bullied group in SCA

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BARONY OF CARRAIG BAN, THE MIDDLE – The Society-wide committee tasked with analyzing and reporting on bullying in the SCA has released its findings. The committee reports that members who have sat thrones at least once are far more likely to be the targets of bullying than those who have not.

Chart

“Fast analysis found that there was a high amount of bullying reports across all levels of the Society,” said Count Salvadore di Mozo, committee chair. “The initial data was very concerning, as the numbers themselves were quite high, and we were concerned that we had a Society-wide problem on our hands. It was once we dug a little deeper that we really understood that we had one highly marginalized group of members that were incredibly likely to be victims, and that group is the Royal peers.”

Count Salvadore thanked the committee for digging in and said that the final report was corrected for validity. “Once we dug through all the reports, and threw out the noise you get from reports that were filed frivolously, or are otherwise invalid for our purposes, the percentages tell a different story about who the victims are in the SCA.”

Chart

Once the committee had reduced their dataset to eliminate invalid reports, the numbers became nearly reversed. Whereas in the original set of all bullying reports it appeared that only about 11 percent of the members of the populace that reported being bullied were royal peers, after the dataset was adjusted the charts showed that over three-quarters of the bullying complaints accepted as valid by the committee were lodged by Royal peers.

The committee is looking forward to presenting its corrected chart at the next BoD meeting, and Count Salvadore has been nothing but supportive of the committee members: Countess Nichola Wasshebrook, Duke Aeneas Drables, Viscount Diego Martín Carrillo, and Duchess Griselda Mawchlyn.

“We’re very troubled by our findings,” His Excellency concluded. “Most people in the SCA, I think, don’t appreciate that the Royal peers are the real victims here.”

Armored Combat · East

Experimental “No Cup” practice lasts exactly one day

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BARONY OF SETTMOUR SWAMP, THE EAST: The SCAllion discovered recently that a variance granted by the Society Earl Marshal to try out a “No Cup” practice lasted exactly one evening of practice before being discontinued.

The East Kingdom’s popular “Nutley practice” was chosen as the forerunner for this experimental variance, but the experiment was abruptly called off after 14 knights and other fighters were sent to the hospital with a variety of injuries. Surprisingly, not all the injuries were groin-related. At least two were attributed to massive muscle strain from attempting to veer away from incoming shots that would have otherwise landed in the midsection of the afflicted fighter.

Sir Cormac of Oaken Wood was one of the few uninjured, and was willing to give The SCAllion a statement: “It felt so freeing. Who knew how constricting those things were? Too bad about all these guys, though. I know at least five of them were gearing up for a Crown run. Don’t know how that’s gonna go now. This was a great idea in theory, but damn, in practice? Wow, someone really didn’t think this one through.”

Calls and e-mails to the Society Earl Marshal have thus far gone unanswered, but The SCAllion will continue to investigate this poorly thought out variance. 

Armored Combat · Atlantia · Caid · Crown Tournament

Caid to add TMO-Trained Marshals to Future Crown Tourneys, Atlantian Dukes Call for Immediate Prohibition on All Video

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BARONY OF CALAFIA, CAID – Following recent scenes at Caid’s Crown Tourney, the Kingdom of Caid has decided to add a Television Match Official Marshal to future Crown Tournaments. A notable Caidan peer opined, “This change will allow future tournaments to be held without fear of missed shots or on-target unblocked shots. The TMO Marshal will be able to identify and encourage correctly shucked shots and thereby restore faith in the high honor and calibration of a Crown Tournament final.” 

It is surmised that this knee-jerk response will do much to reassure members of the populace who have felt that Crown Tournament has become too soft in recent years. 

It is reported that at least three Atlantian dukes have demanded an immediate ban on all video at Atlantian Crown Tournaments in reaction; however, none could be reached for coherent comment by press time.

Armored Combat · Chivalry · Gulf Wars · History

The Deed Disappoints, Confuses Crowd

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SHIRE OF DRAGOUN’S WEAL, GLEANN ABHANN, GULF WARS – Dozens of men and couples were seen leaving the battlefield Friday night carrying baskets of tissues and various lotions. “You’re damn right I’m upset,” explained Kazuya Tanaka, who wished to remain anonymous. “I came to see people doing the deed and all I got were a bunch of dudes in the least-revealing armor I’ve ever seen! You couldn’t even see most of their faces!” 

One woman, who identified herself only as Jill, and her partner, Marcus Cobham, seemed more disappointed than upset. “I saw the event listed in the porta-potty and it seemed like maybe a fun way to start a Friday night,” Jill said. “But now he,” she stated, pointing to Marcus, who was busy browsing the Armour Archive on his phone, “won’t shut up about how nice one guy’s legs were.” 

The Deed of Arms, or simply “the Deed,” is an invitation-only combat featuring combatants sporting the finest of historical fourteenth century armors. They engage in combats simulating sport melees of the day and attempt to hold each other for ransom, which all participants are obligated to have on hand. 

“I’m not sure what the fuss is about,” said Sir Gui d’Orleans, captain of the French team. “The turnout was spectacular, more than usual, actually. Though when I got captured, someone yelled something about doing it already? I don’t know,” he finished with a shrug. 

The SCAllion is likewise unsure of what raised the ire of so many onlookers, as the combat appeared to be honorably executed with great displays of chivalry and friendship all around.