SHIRE OF WOLFSCAIRN, PRINCIPALITY OF THE MISTS, THE WEST – In an unprecedented and possibly historic move, the Crowns of the Kingdom of the West have named a screaming goat named Goaty McGoatyface as Their new Kingdom Bard. At Their recent Kingdom Bardic competition at Beltane Coronation, held at a site known only as The Sheep Ranch located next door to a rural goat farm, Their Majesties were apparently captivated by the performance of Goaty, who had escaped their pen and wandered into the middle of the competition. Following several unsuccessful attempts to remove Goaty from the performance area, Their Majesties decreed that the goat would remain and be considered as a competitor.
Her Majesty Ingrid von Katzenbalgeroberstrosse gushed over Goaty’s delivery, saying, “I was just stunned. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing and hearing. Never before had I heard such a raw, passionate performance delivered at such impressive volume. How could we overlook the effort and preparation?” His Majesty Torvald Berserkjabani added, “I might have been a little overenthusiastic at the Brewer’s Guild tasting party before the competition, but damn, that goat can scream, right?”
Other competitors were less impressed than Their Majesties, one commenting to The SCAllion, “. . .It’s a damn goat. A ***ing screaming goat. How did I lose to a goat?! I’ve been preparing for this for three ***ing years. The goat didn’t even bring any ***ing documentation!” The current Bard of the West was observed stumbling in a stupefied daze away from the competition, muttering, “I was overruled. I was overruled for a goat…” A bardic Laurel who had been in the audience offered, “You know what really gets my goat about the whole situation? They allowed the goat to enter the competition, but refused the emu. They cited our contract with the site owners that says we can’t interfere with the emus, but frankly, I think they’re just racist and the contract was an excuse.”
Other competitors declined to be interviewed, instead taking their complaints next door to the goat farm from which Goaty had escaped. No word as yet on whether the farm will allow Goaty to travel with Their Majesties, or if they even have any idea at all what the SCA is.
Their Majesties have directed Their Head of Court to arrange for Goaty’s SCA membership, as they will not be allowed to hold the office of Bard of the West without it. There has been some discussion with the Seneschal about whether Goaty, fully grown at three years of age, should be considered an adult based on their physical maturity or a minor based on their age, the latter of which will require that a Minor’s Waiver be signed. The herald tasked with documenting Goaty’s name was last seen huddled under a table at Heralds’ Point and sobbing hysterically.