Advice · From the Newsroom · Laurel · Peerage

Goody Advice: New People, exclusion, and more

Dear Goody Advice,
I brought a friend to their first event and someone told them their garb was all wrong. They left crying and never want to come back. What do I do?
-Embarrassed by Assholes

Dear Embarrassed,

Start by finding a few calm and well respected people and ask them to be witnesses, then track down the offender. Second, explain in calm, clear terms the repercussions of their careless words to another person. Third, offer them a selection of ways to apologize: write an apologetic letter, fill out a very sincere apology card, or give a verbal apology on video that you can deliver to your friend. You can helpfully offer an apology card or paper and pen to record their apology for them to expedite the process. Lastly, thank them in advance for proving what a good SCAdian they are for doing this and how much you will respect them for making this right. You don’t have to mean that last part, you only need be convincing. Make sure to gesture toward or look at your respected witnesses often during the encounter.

Hope this helps!

-Goody Advice

Dear Goody,
It feels like the people in my local group are actively excluding me. What should I do?

Dear Excluded,

I do apologize as this will not be a brief answer- it is more of an “choose your own adventure” response. You are right, they probably are excluding you in some 90% of situations, however you have options aplenty! 

  • * Take time to cultivate new relationships within your group or perhaps let some old bygones be truly gone and finally settle old rifts like the grown up you are. 
  • * You can attempt asking for positions at events like working at gate or in a kitchen which will help your group organically get to know you through your deeds and maybe then they’ll include you. 
  • * Another thought is that you might not be correctly interpreting group invites to include yourself because you feel like you are an outsider. Others might like you, but not want to freak you out with multiple direct invitations. If there is a group revel or sewing day: just go because you ARE part of the group already and just might need a better perspective. 
  • * Your local group may unfortunately just be a bag of dicks and being excluded is doing you a tremendous favor. Find the next group over and try them out for size. 
  • Not recommended is the Bull in China Shop method where you decide to crash in and level everything to suit you. Should you enter that arena, beware the matador and toreador as they will be waiting with just as much intent as you. This method rarely ends well.

Lastly, take some time to really reflect, meditate and truly marinate upon this deepest of queries: Am I the asshole? If you discover that you are the root cause of your exclusion, congratulations, you are the only person who can remedy that problem by working to become a better person and member of the society. 

If none of these appeal to you, well you can always Blair Witch stare into a corner at events and have your very own society of one. 

I hope you choose your right adventure,

-Goody Advice

Dear Goody Advice,
I have just been elevated to the Laurel. Can you tell me, as a new peer, how I can go forward into the SCA and not be an asshole? 
New Leaves in Caid

Dear New Leaves,

I would like you to remember every peer who treated you like crap, gave cruel judgment in art/sci, turned away from helping someone, complained but did not solve, posted horrifying things on social media, ignored people, had agendas and caused trouble, or looked upon others with disdain. I want you to remember every word, every face, every action, every written word and then, make this your mantra: I will be their opposite. 

You already know precisely and painfully how Laurels and others can be assholes and you have likely learned a lot on your journey. Now, you can take all of those shitty lessons and be the Peer who you wish was there when those things happened. That Peer is now you. 

Get going, you have an awful lot of work to do, but I believe in you. It’s time to work now.

Hope this helps,

-Goody Advice

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