Artemisia · Arts and Sciences · History · Second Generation

Second Generation SCAdian sent home from Sunday School after correcting teacher

SHIRE OF STONEGATE, ARTEMISIA – Elisif Jonasdottir, sixth grader and second generation SCAdian, was sent home from Sunday School last week with a note from church leadership asking her parents to have a discussion with their child about arguing with the Sunday School teacher in front of the other young faithful.

The trouble started when Elisif corrected Mildred Miller, the teacher, when she announced that the enshrinement of the Trinity into Christianity was not established at the first Council of Nicea in 325 CE, but later with the Council of Constantinople in 381 CE. Things got heated when Elisif explained that the Council of Nicea was about the establishment of Christ as a deity, and that the full Trinititarian argument could not be taken up until after that fact had been established. At first, Mrs. Miller sent Elisif to stand in the corner, but was moved to send her home with the note after Elisif, from the corner, disputed that gnosticism was excluded from Christianity in 325 CE as well.  “Heretics were forgiven at the Council of Nicea!” She shouted, “I can’t believe I have to get angry about this!”

“I’m not sure where she got that from,” commented her father Lord Jonas Jonasson, “We study Norse history together, not Byzantine history. I mean, I let her read Knowne World Humor, so maybe there was a meme she picked up on?” 

“I’m proud of her,” declared her mother, Íþróttakona Margaretha Osterberg, “Mrs. Miller taught that Akhenaten was the first monotheist, and Elisif’s opinion is that Akhenaten was not practicing monotheism but a syncretistic melding of the traditions of his populace. This is a reasonable position to maintain. I think this is when the trouble started.”

It is not known when Elisif will be able to go back to Sunday School. Her parents said she was looking forward to the inevitable fight about Martin Luther nailing the 95 Theses to the door of the church. “There’s no textural evidence that he did any such thing,” Elisif announced. “I can’t wait to blow a hole in that fairy tale,” she declared.

Editorial · From the Newsroom · Gulf Wars

Letter from the Editorial Board: Alliums Abound!

Our spies at Gulf Wars have let us know that there’s a new SCA humor publication out there using a name and style and logo very similar to ours. We would like to make it clear that this other publication is not related to or affiliated with us in any way. It is its own thing. If the similar name and style is intended as a homage, we’re very flattered.

But, folks, lifting someone else’s style, name, and logo with the serial numbers barely scratched off is not cool. We fully support any and all satire of the SCA, but we’d much rather you be your own thing.

If the similar name and style are intended as some sort of clever trap to get our staff to out themselves, we are hurt that you think we’re that gullible. Try again.

P.S. Jaws in Legal has to do work now. No one wants that, least of all Jaws, who was enjoying chewing on a nice bit of opposing counsel when this all came up. Please just be cool.

P.P.S. Really, while we’re known for satire, this particular post is actually not.

Arts and Sciences · Laurel

Old-Time Laurels refuse to listen to New Research by Younger Members 

BARONY OF JARARVELLIR, NORTHSHIELD – Long gone are the days when SCAdians attempted to document stretch panné velvet, but that’s not stopping Mistress Eowyn Greywind of House Dragonfire, who received her Laurel in 1982 for her exquisite use of the Betty Crocker Cookbook at feasts. Mistress Eowyn grimaced when asked about her disposition. “These millennial brats,” she spat. “Who are THEY to tell me what is and isn’t period?! Everybody knows spices were used to cover up bad meat, and that people drank ale or cider because the water wasn’t safe!” 

On the other side of the argument is Magistra Fausta Julia Secunda, known modernly as Dr. Marie Cassaro, a renowned food archaeologist and historian who has done groundbreaking work extracting extant contents from ancient amphorae. In addition to being one of the newest culinary laurels in Northshield, she also teaches at the University of Wisconsin – Madison as a chaired professor in Anthropology.

Returning from her trip to Crete where she excavated a Roman taberna near a port, Magistra Fausta was immediately accosted online by Mistress Eowyn, who lives in the Shire of Border Downs and hasn’t left her home in South Dakota in fifteen years. “HOW DARE YOU UNDO YEARS AND YEARS OF MY RESEARCH!” Eowyn screeched in caps lock, despite not releasing any new findings to the Society since her elevation, “I KNOW MORE ABOUT ROMAN FOOD THAN YOU DO! YOU KIDS NEED TO KNOW YOUR PLACE AND RESPECT YOUR ELDERS IN THE SOCIETY!” 

Magistra Fausta replied that she was in her 40s, and not a “kid”, and that she dug up pottery, not dinosaurs.