SHIRE OF DRAGOUN’S WEAL, GLEANN ABHANN, GULF WARS – Dozens of men and couples were seen leaving the battlefield Friday night carrying baskets of tissues and various lotions. “You’re damn right I’m upset,” explained Kazuya Tanaka, who wished to remain anonymous. “I came to see people doing the deed and all I got were a bunch of dudes in the least-revealing armor I’ve ever seen! You couldn’t even see most of their faces!”
One woman, who identified herself only as Jill, and her partner, Marcus Cobham, seemed more disappointed than upset. “I saw the event listed in the porta-potty and it seemed like maybe a fun way to start a Friday night,” Jill said. “But now he,” she stated, pointing to Marcus, who was busy browsing the Armour Archive on his phone, “won’t shut up about how nice one guy’s legs were.”
The Deed of Arms, or simply “the Deed,” is an invitation-only combat featuring combatants sporting the finest of historical fourteenth century armors. They engage in combats simulating sport melees of the day and attempt to hold each other for ransom, which all participants are obligated to have on hand.
“I’m not sure what the fuss is about,” said Sir Gui d’Orleans, captain of the French team. “The turnout was spectacular, more than usual, actually. Though when I got captured, someone yelled something about doing it already? I don’t know,” he finished with a shrug.
The SCAllion is likewise unsure of what raised the ire of so many onlookers, as the combat appeared to be honorably executed with great displays of chivalry and friendship all around.
I really want a significant other, but I’m having problems getting people to see me as a viable romantic interest. I’m doing everything I’ve learned from TV and romantic comedies. For example, when I meet a prospect at a camping event, I make a point of staying close to them through the entire event. I make sure their cup is full of the libation of their choice (if they are of legal drinking age), whether they request it or not. I try to express my affection by incessantly asking for hugs. I make a point of waiting for them directly outside the biffies so that I can offer my arm to accompany them to their next destination (especially if it’s their tent at the end of the night).
So far, my potential partners have all managed to give me the slip.
Should I confront them to point out how cruel they are being when I have made a point of being nice to them the entire event, or should I stick to targeting attractive newbies who might not yet know where all the exits are located?
Yours (if you give the slightest perceived signal),
Persistent Outside The Biffies
Dear Persistent,
Oh, how very quaint.
What you have described is creepy AF, date-rapey, and extra stalkery. Please, stay the hell at home in your den, lair or basement. Although this used to be largely tolerated and common behavior (and some may think it is still ok), it absolutely is not. We, the #IAmTheSCAllion of the Society will be looking for you. Consider this your first and last notification of warning.
-Goody Advice
Dear Goody, I was injured by a fighter who was authorized only by their KEM. What should I do next?
-Injured
Dear Injured,
Make sure to seek prompt medical attention for your injury, even if you feel it is small. Often injuries may seem more insignificant in the throws of adrenaline but later will rear up to haunt you. Once you have done that, work with a marshal and witnesses to document precisely what occurred and what actions led to your injury. Work within the system to report your injury and if required, seek mundane legal representation. However, if the injury was caused by a Duke then just walk away, slap a bandage on it and suck it up. If you want to keep enjoying your SCA experience, just trust me on this one.
Hope this helps!
-Goody Advice
Dear Goody,
How do I convince my thrown weapons marshal to let me try throwing a duck?
Fowl-play Fred
Dear Fred,
You are welcome to insert a throwing spike into a rubber duck or duck-shaped dog toy. Please be sure to clearly mark the striking edge, and explain to the marshal what your goal is. You may be asked to throw it solo on the range to demonstrate that you can throw it safely. (If you manage to figure out how to mark a striking edge on a live duck, feel free to send us a picture! Still not sure how you get it safely down range towards the target.)
If your marshal says that they don’t feel it’s safe, take the answer. The Marshal in Charge is the person who determines what is safe on the range.
Continued disagreement will probably end up with the range just getting closed and everyone else mad at you for taking their play time away. Thrown Weapons Marshals have even less humor about safety than Archery Marshals, and both of those cringe at what Heavy considers “tolerable”.
the SCAllion 
You must be logged in to post a comment.