Caid · Heraldry

Actor Samuel L. Jackson banned from heraldic commentary; Threatens Wreath

BARONY OF GYLDENHOLT, CAID — In a shocking turn of events, Lord Giles Wynnfield (modernly known as actor Samuel L. Jackson) has made explicit threats of violence against Wreath King of Arms. These threats followed a bombshell move by the College of Arms when it declared Jackson banned for life from contributing heraldic commentary.

“Lord Wynnfield is passionate about SCA arms and heraldry,” admitted Wreath, “But the way he expresses that passion is completely unacceptable.”

Although Wreath refused to comment further, The SCAllion has learned that Jackson was notorious within the heraldic community for his confrontational choices of wording during discussions of proposed armory.

“I’m a fan of his work outside the SCA, but dude is completely unhinged when it comes to submissions,” said Signore Antonio Bugiardino, who has asked to remain anonymous for reasons of wanting to retain all four limbs, “When I first got interested in heraldry, it took me a while to pick up the lingo. I guess I made a few mistakes while describing some devices, because Lord Wynnfield made a point of responding to my commentary with ‘Blazon, motherf***er, do you speak it?’ Needless to say, it wasn’t the most encouraging thing for a newbie to hear.”

Other anonymous heralds who value their health, such as Daunt Pieret Chatouilleur de Calmar, attest that Jackson had a quick temper and could suddenly become enraged when irritated. One decision meeting was abruptly cut short when Jackson countered a particularly nitpicky argument with “Say ‘charge chow’ again. Say ‘charge chow’ again, I dare you, I double dare you motherf***er, say ‘charge chow’ one more godd*mn time!”

Although intimidating to some, there are members of the heraldic community who say that they will miss Jackson’s inimitable style of colorful heraldic commentary. More than one herald fondly recalls the occasion when Jackson went head-to-head with a notoriously difficult knight who insisted that the College should allow him to incorporate a subtle motif of valknuts into his proposed device. Jackson allegedly responded to pushback from the knight, saying, “Don’t give me attitude, Sir. See, you’re assuming I won’t tell your sorry ass to resubmit and everyone knows, when you make an assumption, you make an ass out of ‘u’ and ‘umption.’”

The incident that prompted the ban took place at the most recent Laurel Roadshow, during a discussion about the representation of marine life in heraldic charges. While discussing a particular submission, Jackson alarmed bystanders when he stood up and yelled, “ENOUGH IS ENOUGH! I HAVE HAD IT WITH THESE MOTHERF***ING HAKES ON THIS MOTHERF***ING CROSS OF LORRAINE!”

When asked for comment, Jackson’s public relations representative issued the following statement: “Mr. Jackson recognizes the College has made a decision but given that it’s a stupid-a** decision, he has elected to ignore it.”

The College of Arms has offered to crowdsource a bodyguard for Wreath King of Arms, but Wreath has turned it down, saying, “Last time I trusted someone, I lost an LoI.”

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