BREAKING: BoD Annoyed That Populace is Paying Attention, Suggests They Go Eat Some Cake

BARONY OF PONTE ALTO, ATLANTIA: Last night, The SCAllion’s top-secret inside source at the Board of Directors’ meeting, known only as “Deep Gorget,” summoned this reporter to a clandestine meeting in a small park behind a strip mall in the Barony of Ponte Alto. At that meeting, between long bouts of chain smoking, Deep Gorget revealed that the repeated questions from the populace about the Board’s procedures and lack of transparency are beginning to take their toll. “The heat is on,” Deep Gorget explained. When I asked what they meant, Deep Gorget replied, “Since people started questioning the sanctions arising from the alligator incident, I’m seeing temper tantrums in the corporate offices, a lot of vague-booking that isn’t nearly vague enough, and a sharp increase in orders of Xanax.” 

Deep Gorget then gave this reporter screenshots of a stunning series of texts and emails in which Board of Directors members complained about members of the populace questioning their judgment. In one particularly shocking email, Duchess Merione Ferquair of Melby wrote, “I can’t believe these peasants are complaining about us again! Don’t they know all the things we do are for their own good? Why, if we didn’t allow alligators to swim at Pennsic, we could be sued for discrimination! We know things about the alligator problem that they don’t know and they just need to believe us and shut up.”  

In a recent text to Board Chairman Duke Nigel Henteloue, apparently written and sent during the recent streamed meeting, Duchess Merione was even more pointed. “These churls are infuriating! So much complaining! Why don’t they go eat some damn cake and leave us alone!?” 

When asked for comment on these communications, Deep Gorget looked over their shoulders, lit another cigarette, and said, “Forget the myths that the media’s created about Royal Peers and the BoD. The truth is, these are not very bright folks, and things got out of hand.”  

This reporter had many questions about repeated references in the leaked internal Board communications about “125 out of 25,000.” Does it refer to 125 complaints about alligators? Is it 125 lawsuits settled without disclosure to the populace? Does it refer to the number of complaints about men in houppelandes made in Meridies as a result of Tennessee’s new laws?  Deep Gorget was not helpful. “You’ll have to figure it out on your own,” they said. When I objected to being strung along, Deep Gorget replied, “No, I have to do this my way. You tell me what you know, and I’ll confirm. I’ll keep you in the right direction if I can, but that’s all. Just…follow the money.”