An Tir · Arts and Sciences · History

Geographically Isolated Branch Succumbs to DNA Analysis Trend; Chaos ensues!

BARONY OF SEAGIRT, AN TIR — It was a grim Tuesday evening when the Barony of Seagirt’s council met for the first time since learning the results of what was supposed to be an exercise in barony-bonding. 

Reports say that Mistress Bruna Farfallini began the trend of DNA analysis when she shared her results from the Society for Creative Anachronism entrepreneurial startup, 1553 and Thee. Other populace members, intrigued by the idea of discovering their racial identity, getting a better idea of their ancestors’ migrations, and increasing their knowledge of family history, soon followed suit.

Although the results might say otherwise, members of the barony insist that there was no way of knowing that these seemingly harmless DNA tests would result in a maelstrom of betrayal and recrimination. As it is, the futures of more than a few long term marriages and relationships hang in the balance, as the 1553 and Thee tests have forced spouses to discuss details of their pasts that have, until recently, been shrouded in secrecy.

Not all of Seagirt’s populace is heartbroken, however. There are multiple reports of tidy profits made by winners of longstanding bets. It would appear that one gentle’s strife truly is another’s gain.

Still, all formal council business has been put aside as officers rush to create an accurate kinship chart of familial bonds within the barony. “Nobody likes the idea of having to make a kinship chart,” commented Seagirt’s seneschal, “But with increasingly unaffordable ferry fares, it’s more important than ever to have all the facts.”

For one member, the DNA test has resulted in a different sort of disappointment. Helgi Bjarnarson, noted fighter and proponent of Viking superiority was crushed to discover that his DNA does not indicate any ancestors from Scandinavia; rather, the test led him to discover that he is descended from a well-researched family line whose primary claim to fame is the successful business they ran in England, making exquisite lace ruffs for the court of Queen Elizabeth I. Sources say that Bjarnarson is not coping well, having isolated himself in his house clad only in a snuggie, consuming massive amounts of mead and watching The Thirteenth Warrior on repeat while hysterically ugly-crying.

Most affected are the younger members of the barony, as the DNA tests have revealed that second and third generation SCA members within the barony who were previously thought unrelated are, in fact, cousins and/or siblings.

“I wish my dad hadn’t done the test,” said 24 year old Lord Lambert de Notingeham, “Turns out that my real father is actually his long-time squire, a knuckle-dragging Neanderthal who I’ve always called ‘The link that should have stayed missing.’”

“I’m lucky,” added 16 year old Alamandina of Tripoli, “I’ve been flirting with Sune Manngisson, for the past couple of weeks and it was looking like we were going to hook up. We found out we were brother and sister just in the nick of time. It’s disappointing, of course, because we still really like each other, but we’ve decided to cut off all contact and avoid each other altogether.”

Lord Lambert told The SCAllion that he has reached out to the creators of the Islendiga-App, a social app designed to help Icelandic youth avoid accidental incest. Having recently graduated from the University of Victoria with a degree in computer science, Lord Lambert hopes to adapt the app for the members of the barony of Seagirt, the shire of Hartwood, and the Shire of False Isle (all locations on Vancouver Island and isolated portions of the adjacent mainland coastline). In the meantime, Seagirt Council has instructed younger members of the barony to “just be friends” until such time as the flow-chart has been verified and to avoid the works of V.C. Andrews altogether.

Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s