Board of Directors · From the Newsroom · Knowne World · Editorial

Overworked SCAllion writers beg the BoD to ‘just knock it off for a while’

BARONY OF BODLINGTONE, KINGDOM OF BODLANDIA – The staff of The SCAllion have realized at a recent after-work pub crawl that they have become drastically overworked after the third Board of Directors scandal in as many months. Speaking under condition that they immediately get a cure for hangovers, they complained “how are we supposed to keep up with all the questionable actions, slipshod investigations, and blatant disregard for the opinion of the membership?” Another staff writer asked that the Board go on separate vacations for at least a month to give them a break “I haven’t actually gone to an event in months because we have to keep up with their shenanigans”.

Reporters in The SCAllion newsroom are currently wilted husks of their former selves, wading through drifts of empty coffee cups and the wrappings of fast food, candy and snacks. Our cleaning crew are on strike. Again. 

So that we can send our valiant and punchy writers home for sleep, self grooming, Xanax refills, competitive drinking and meals not from a bag, the rest of the following article consists only of headlines rather than stories. Yes, those stories could be written, but it seems rather unnecessary at this point. Here are the most salient updates on the ongoing and most current Board debacle:

  • 4/23/23 SCA employee issues vague statement via vaguebook about 1/2 of 1% of the SCA. Internet goes wild with speculation.
  • 4/25/23 Board of Directors walks back employee vaguebook with clarification that 1/2 of 1% of the SCA have been banished. Members dubious.
  • 4/25/23 Board of Directors statement includes apology to those who had their fee-fees hurt. Annoyed with populace interest, suggests they go eat cake.
  • 4/26/23 Board of Directors walks back statement about eating cake. States they actually meant bread and circuses.
  • 4/26/23 Board of Directors walks back statement about circuses. States they fully support animal welfare.
  • 4/26/23 Board of Directors walks back statement about animal welfare. States animals should pull themselves up by their bootstraps.
  • 4/27/23 Board of Directors walks back statement about bootstraps. States that the word they meant to use was jackboots.
  • 4/27/23 Board of Directors walks back statement about jackboots. States that as they were originally cavalry equipment, jackboots are now regalia of the Chivalry, others will have to subsist on bootlicking.
  • 4/27/23 Board of Directors walks back statement about bootlicking. States they don’t want the common populace that close to their boots.
  • 4/28/23 After shocking backlash, Board of Directors walks back all recent statements, grounds self from cake and social media.
  • 4/28/23 Pulse of the Populace Polling: Zero members surprised at uproar. Unanimous confusion at corporate level.

The only member of The SCAllion editorial staff who could be reached demanded to be left alone, but not before being given a cold washcloth and a dark quiet room so they could recover from the latest SCAllion staff pub crawl in peace.

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