RIDING OF HOLLEKE TOR, KINGDOM OF AETHER – When we came up with Good Garb Bingo, we had a discussion in the newsroom that we should make it the first in an occasional series. This week, we have the next installment: Tournament Bingo!
As it’s a long weekend for much of the Knowne World, with the first of the Large Events of the Summer, we hope you will enjoy this offering to keep you engaged with various types of marshal tournaments. We tried to not make it exclusive to either the rattan or fencing fields, but looking at the commonalities of both.
At the link below are 30 randomized bingo cards, with positive things to spot at a tournament. Just like Good Garb Bingo, we’ve made sure that you have spaces to write names, and we encourage you to use this when writing your award recommendations or at least familiarize yourself with the fighters in your area. Please feel free to share this post, download and print our bingo cards, and take to your next big tourney event.
Whatever you do, though, don’t shout “bingo!” in the third bout of the finals – the marshals may get upset at you.
BARONY OF HIDDEN MOUNTAIN, ATLANTIA – A biohazard quarantine area has been declared in an area of suburban Charleston in response to what SCAllion reporters have heard described as a “horrifying nightmare” of an armor bag. Ten square blocks have been cordoned off and the perimeter is currently surrounded by military personnel and people in hazmat suits.
Speaking with Cassandra Wilkes, 27, who offered to clear the air regarding the on-going situation. “I don’t do SCA, but my daddy did. I knew he had armor and fought and stuff. He passed last fall and we finally got to clearing some of his things. When I found his old army bag in the garage, I didn’t know what was in it, but lord preserve me!”
Stumbling unknowingly onto the armor bag of the late Lord Robert de Calais, she opened it to find a revolting moldy mass that had once been a gambeson and leather armor. “When I came to after passing out from the smell, I ran into the house and found a mask and a bottle of vodka. That kills mold, so I figured I’d pour it all in, maybe that would help. But I swear when I did, I heard it laugh! I think I even heard the words “more!” Whatever is in that bag ain’t natural no more!”
Following this failed effort, the deleterious effects of opening the bag began to spread through the neighborhood. “I mean, dogs started barking all over and I could hear coughing from the neighbor’s house. A car alarm even went off! I got out of there as quick as I could and called the police!”
Authorities on site refused further comment but indicated that there was no further immediate danger and the quarantine was out of an abundance of caution. Several people in hazmat suits could be seen carrying a large crate stamped “Specimen” in bold stenciled letters, escorted by soldiers with rifles out of the area.
The SCAllion offers its condolences to the Wilkes family for their recent loss and will continue to monitor the situation for developments.
SHIRE OF ARDANROE, GLEANN ABHANN — History was made last week, when the rapier fighters of Ardanroe submitted a formal proposal to Kingdom that stipulated that use of the late-period garment known as trunk hose be limited to members of the rapier community. The proposal is making waves, as it is the first requested sumptuary law not based on regalia or modern sensibilities.
The origin of the proposal is largely attributed to one incident that took place at the Athenian Symposium of the Arts and Sciences. Ambitious apprentice, Lord Claude Tanquerel, created a spectacular entry centered around a pair of hand-created Bohemian trunk hose. Unfortunately, the quality of the research and garment did not garner the attention they both deserved so much as Squire Saebjorn Sørensen, Lord Tanquerel’s husband, who had graciously agreed to act as model for the trunk hose. Only ever seen in a T-tunic prior to the Symposium, attendees were astonished to discover that Sørensen possesses exceptionally attractive legs.
News of his shapely calves has quickly spread throughout the kingdom and currently has the rapier community in a state of panic. “I wouldn’t have believed it if I hadn’t seen photos,” said Don Mariotto d’Agnolo, “We’re used to the Knowne World revolving around heavy fighters, but trunk hose? Trunk hose is our thing!”
“He’s not wrong,” agreed Awliff MacConnogh, “There’s a lot of belt-chasers out there. For many of us, all we have is our legs. If heavy fighters start edging in on our action, we might as well rebrand as a monastic order.”
When asked for comment, Sørensen appeared sheepish, “Look, I didn’t ask for all this attention! I was doing a favor for my husband. The focus should be on the hose, not the legs inside the hose!” It has been noted by various heavy fighters that this infamy may hamper Sørensen’s path to knighthood, as his knight is disturbed by the thought that he may be mentoring the Society equivalent of Pippa Middleton.In any case, The SCAllion very much looks forward to seeing the proposal debated among Kingdom officials. More updates to come as the situation develops.
BARONY OF HIGHLAND FOORDE, ATLANTIA – In a moment that stunned the Knowne World, a Laurel has entered and won Crown List in Atlantia with the weapons form of a center-grip shield and three-ring binder of poetry documentation.
Her Highness Isolde, OL, presented herself at the field prior to Crown list and was told that she could both enter and use her documentation as a weapon by the Kingdom Earl Marshal, a giraffe with a 12th century Welsh persona. She then proceeded to wield that documentation flawlessly, coasting undefeated to the finals, where she bested Sir Ourri d’Atainville to become the new heir to Atlantia.
“I don’t even know what happened,” Sir Ourri told us. “How do you just show up one day for your first fight ever, and be allowed on the field with a weapon that looks like a phone book. It’s not in any rules I know.”
One bystander was more excited. “She entered and just cleaned up,” we were told. “Every time ‘lay on’ was called, Her Highness walked up to her opponent and just started beating them over the head with her documentation until they called it. It was beautiful.”
Sir Ourri plans to contest the results based on the nonstandard weapon and unusual authorization, but The SCAllion (and Mistress Isolde) can find no violation of the rules and policy interpretations recently laid down by the Board of Directors and Society Earl Marshal.
Mistress Isolde said of her victory:
Shall I lambast thee on a summer day? With just a binder full of notes and songs? Woulds’t thou prefer a troubadorish lay For me to give thee all of thy kabongs?
Sometimes too hot the poet’s eye doth shine As scorn it heaps upon its fearsome foe So call your shots, man up, and do not whine And by a poet’s rhymings be laid low.
My blows shall rain upon thy helm like rain For nothing is so like itself as rain. And now you find yourself in dreadful pain Since rain,rain, rain, rain, rain is this quatrain.
So long as one can breathe or eyes can see Fall down, you’re dead, at least please take a knee.
The SCAllion shall continue to track Princess Isolde’s upcoming reign with great interest.
BARONY OF BODLINGTONE, KINGDOM OF BODLANDIA – Count Rupert the Weasel, currently facing a revocation and denial of membership for his role in the “Viscounty mill” scandal, has approached the Board seeking a plea deal.
The “Viscounty mill” was a pay-for-peerage scheme run by the Count when he was King of a kingdom whose name is not being released by the Board since the investigation is still ongoing. The scheme hinged on the fact that the length of a principality reign is not defined in Corpora. King Rupert used this fact to alter the length of the reign to thirty minutes and restricted each Coronet tournament to two entrants. This enabled him and his co-conspirators to conduct 33 principality reigns over the course of a weekend event and invest 40 new viscountesses and 26 new viscounts.
Rupert has offered to grass up the names of the officers who helped him design the scheme, as well as the names of the Crowns of six other kingdoms who expressed interest in the idea. He has also volunteered to forfeit the profits from the scheme to the kingdom travel fund. In exchange he would like to retain his membership in the Order of Chivalry, while being stripped of all other honors.
The Board has already received a petition seeking clemency for the Count which was signed by 40 viscountesses and 26 viscounts. No word has been provided to The SCAllion yet if the 66 individuals are considered to be acting within Community Standards.
PRINCIPALITY OF CYNAGUA, THE WEST – For the first time in the Principality of Cynagua’s history a slate of training programs for officers and marshals has gotten past the theoretical stage to actually be written into a coherent and sustainable program for all officers and a parallel training program for marshals has been made a part of Principality law and policy.
Officers, who have long complained about the lack of codified, consistent training will now have to attend either an in-person or virtual class in advance of taking over an office and again within the first six months of holding the office. Failure to do so will result in immediate sanction, and loss of dessert at all feasts, forever.
All marshals in all disciplines will have to attend practical, hands-on classes to show that they know the latest version of the Kingdom’s rules for their specific martial discipline. Any marshal who cites a rules set more than 10 years out of date will be immediately suspended and required to assist with field breakdown at their next three events.
Lifeguards will be required to join the Known World Lifeguard Union, and attend alligator wrestling classes.
Not everyone is in favor of the new initiatives. “Safety, smafety! We did fine for the first 50+ years of the Society. Not sure why we should change,” said Sir Godfried aus Turigen. We caught up to Sir Godfried in the emergency room of the hospital where he was having his arm splinted from an unsafe blow.
All questions about the new Principality laws should be directed to the Principality’s seneschal or one of their raccoons.
Atlantia has recently seen a succession of Crowns all belonging to a single household, with three of the five couples achieving their duchy. We sat down with the original duchess of the household, Her Grace Emmeline Neuburg, OL, to ask her how the household has managed seven consecutive reigns.
The SCAllion: Your Grace, the Neubergs have had seven reigns in a row, and today the seventh steps down from the throne. Duncan and Rhiannon are both members of the household, correct?
Emmeline Neuburg: Yes, they are. Duncan was my late husband’s squire, and Rhiannon is my apprentice.
S: How does it feel to be at the end of a four year run of your household supporting royalty?
EN: I think it has been very helpful to everyone in the household to understand exactly what it means to sit on the thrones before they fight in Crown, because we’ve all been very involved from the beginning. I’m just sorry that Michael passed away last spring and didn’t get to see our plan through.
S: Your plan?
EN: Of course. In many ways, this has been a culmination of both his training methods and my A&S project into appropriate period performance-enhancing supplements.
S: Can you explain further?
EN: I’m a Laurel now, but when Michael and I were first getting serious about Crown Tournament, I hadn’t found where I wanted to focus my research. Now, being a Queen is disruptive to actually getting research done, but after the first time, I decided I wanted to look at the work of women herbalists and midwives. I found one “recipe for soldiers” that I thought looked interesting, and made a batch to enter at Pennsic A&S. Well, Michael, bless his heart, grabbed the wrong bottle just before the field battle. He came back in sucha good mood and not at all tired!
S: So, the effect was to give him more energy?
EN: In so many ways. He’d fought in the front of every battle and said it was like he’d just finished warm ups. Of course, now I didn’t have an entry, but we’d found something worth knowing.
I kept refining the recipe, looking at other similar examples, and he used it before every Crown he fought in and won.
About 5 years ago, his former squires were starting to get really serious about Crown, so he stepped up the household practices and we talked about what it would look like to have a solid bloc of royalty with the same philosophy about reigning and the continuity we could bring. We had also never tried “Duke Juice” on anyone else!
S: This is when you brought the rest of the household in on your secret?
EN: it wasn’t really a secret, most people just didn’t believe it was a period recipe, or if it was, that it did anything! Getting the correct dosage such that someone gets the benefits but not the side effects has turned out to be a little trickier than we thought, but we experimented first at fighter practices, then events and war. It was at war when their ladies started coming to me too – it let them party half the night and still be up to go to 9am classes or volunteer all day.
At which point, the household got together and decided that we were going to see if we could put together a ruling bloc for long enough to effect real change in Atlantia.
S: What were your goals, then?
EN: Oh, making sure that most of the household got their peerages as soon as possible, and that we had fewer restrictions on the marshal orders. Some minor changes in law and policy- I can’t remember all of them now, we changed them over 3 years ago, and people have become accustomed to the new ways of doing things
S: I take it your entire household is on “Duke Juice”, then?
EN: Yes! At different dosages and concentrations, that’s a lot of what my research has been! I’ve refined the recipe, now it’s about the effects on a wider group! And, really, we wouldn’t have survived four years of always having someone on the thrones without something.
S: So, what’s in your Duke Juice?
EN: I mean, my research is entered in Kingdom A&S tomorrow, so I can tell you that it’s an alcohol extraction of arctic root, Siberian ginseng, hemp, valerian root, rose root, and willow bark. It helps with anxiety, pain, energy, and the ability to get things done! I am looking forward to seeing what the rest of the kingdom does with it!
BARONY OF VATAVIA, CALONTIR – At Coronation this weekend, Their Majesties Calontir announced a change in the requirements for heavy fighting authorization: the ability to carry a tune.
Their Majesties, King Olaf Siggurdson and Queen Aliya Rosenwood, announced at Their first court that singing tests would now be required in order for any new heavy weapons authorizations. They made it clear that anyone re-authorizing would also be subject to the new requirement. “We are already the greatest field army in the Knowne World,” said King Olaf, “but we need to be the best sounding one too. We love to sing as an army when we take the field, but there are some people just dragging us down from a musical standpoint. Also, it’s a safety issue – we really don’t want to strike flat.”
Queen Aliya went on: “I am so proud of our army. Now, in keeping with our might, we need to start addressing other aspects of our greatness, and we pride ourselves on our group singing. We need to make sure we sound as great as we fight, and look! We will also need to be able to project over the new bulldozer shield wall, so we’re really looking to maximize our volume.”
Their Majesties also noted that singing lessons would be available at several major events in the kingdom, as well as many local fighter practices.
Several Huscarls objected in the back of court that they were plenty loud enough, and that requirements that people know how to sing were “against the traditions of Pavel”.
SHIRE OF SILVER KEEP, ARTEMISIA — The populace of the shire of Silver Keep is in a state of turmoil today, following the declaration of war that was issued last night. The recipient of the declaration is not Silver Keep itself, but rather famed geyser, Old Faithful, which is located at Yellowstone National Park, which is also within the borders of the shire. Many members are feeling torn between loyalty to their kingdom and their longstanding affection for the volcanic eruption. According to the original statement of declaration, the purpose of war would be “to demilitarize and denazify Old Faithful and to protect the populace of Artemisia from potential bullying from the spurting menace.”
Reportedly caught unawares, the King and Queen of Artemisia are scrambling to identify the source of the inciting act. Although the declaration appears to have originated from His Majesty’s official email address, the Kingdom Seneschal alleges that the address was hacked and that the call for military action from the fighting community is most likely the work of notorious SCA hacker group, Κανένας. This theory seems unlikely, as Κανένας has committed to uncovering the Board of Directors’ private email server.
Contrary to the Kingdom Seneschal’s public statement, inside sources attribute the bold move to controversial knight, Sir Pavel Radozlaus, and his supporters inside the fighting community. According to insiders, Sir Pavel has long held a grudge against Old Faithful, even going so far as to blame the beloved geyser’s hot spray for the breakdown of his marriage to Boyarina Olga Mikhailovna, who subsequently changed her persona following their divorce, prior to stepping up as Queen two months ago.
“I don’t know why everyone acts like this stupid geyser is so great,” Sir Pavel was heard to say, “They say it erupts around twenty times per day, but I don’t believe it. And just try to convince me that each eruption disgorges as much as 8400 gallons of steamy liquid. All this hype ends up creating all kinds of unreasonable expectations on the rest of us. I should know – it ended my marriage.”
Sir Pavel’s claims contradict Her Majesty’s alleged reason for the split, reported to be: “One word: hygiene.”
These speculations do nothing to comfort the distressed populace of Silver Keep, who are understandably distraught at the threat made towards Old Faithful. The normally laid-back shire has always credited its widespread sense of relaxation to its proximity to the geothermal marvel’s slow, regular throb.
Yellowstone National Park Service spokesperson has released the following statement from the geyser to the media: “Bring it. Ain’t my fault the ladies love my flow.”
BARONY OF SETTMOUR SWAMP, THE EAST: The SCAllion discovered recently that a variance granted by the Society Earl Marshal to try out a “No Cup” practice lasted exactly one evening of practice before being discontinued.
The East Kingdom’s popular “Nutley practice” was chosen as the forerunner for this experimental variance, but the experiment was abruptly called off after 14 knights and other fighters were sent to the hospital with a variety of injuries. Surprisingly, not all the injuries were groin-related. At least two were attributed to massive muscle strain from attempting to veer away from incoming shots that would have otherwise landed in the midsection of the afflicted fighter.
Sir Cormac of Oaken Wood was one of the few uninjured, and was willing to give The SCAllion a statement: “It felt so freeing. Who knew how constricting those things were? Too bad about all these guys, though. I know at least five of them were gearing up for a Crown run. Don’t know how that’s gonna go now. This was a great idea in theory, but damn, in practice? Wow, someone really didn’t think this one through.”
Calls and e-mails to the Society Earl Marshal have thus far gone unanswered, but The SCAllion will continue to investigate this poorly thought out variance.
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