BARONY OF DARKWOOD, THE WEST – For the last three months, the Knowne World has been on pins and needles as the effects of the “Alligator Incident” of Pennsic 49 rippled outwards. The SCAllion has reported on this incident extensively. Now, in this latest chapter of the ongoing saga, a class action libel lawsuit has been filed in the Superior Court of California, Santa Carla County, against the SCA, Inc. and several individuals involved in the issuing of sanctions against the lifeguards and watch personnel involved in the Alligator Incident.
The lead plaintiff has now been identified as Robin of Sundered Oak, resident of Æthelmearc, the lifeguard who tried to stop a Duke from bringing alligators to swim in the lake at Pennsic and was sanctioned by the Board of Directors for his enforcement of the rules. According to court filings, Robin and the other lifeguards and safety personnel similarly situated are seeking damages for published statements on the part of Reginbold Strubel, the Society Earl Marshal at the time of the incident and the initial issuer of sanctions, Merione Ferquair of Melby as the spokesperson for the Board of Directors, Board member Leon de Paris, Society Seneschal Gepheffray de la Bourdonnaye, and the Society for Creative Anachronism itself. The suit alleges that these defendants recklessly published false statements about the incident, about Robin, and about the lifeguards and watch personnel at Pennsic, including the claim that Robin had violated the community standards of the Society, as well as negative statements about the effectiveness and integrity of the safety staff at Pennsic.
The SCAllion will follow the news of this lawsuit very closely over the coming months.
PS: Jaws tells us we have to say that this is a fictional satire intended to make a point, and that no lawsuit actually has been filed against anyone. Nor is The SCAllion suggesting that a lawsuit could or should be filed.
PPS: Jaws also suggests we mention that, if you go to Santa Carla looking for a courthouse, watch out for the vampires.
BARONY OF BODLINGTONE, BODLANDIA – The Board of Directors announced the formation of a new investigative committee to address some recent concerns with the membership, sanctions, and community standards. The three person committee held a press conference to discuss their brief. First to speak was chairperson Baron Dion of Trumpington.
DT: “Thank you for coming to this briefing. It’s the best briefing, the most important briefing possibly of all the briefings in period. The BoD has sanctions, the best sanctions, the strongest sanctions, which is good, since this Board has been persecuted more than any board in history. Worst persecutions by these people, very bad people, and these sanctions are not being imposed on enough of these people, these bad people, from the most corrupt – really very bigly corrupt – parts of our society, our great society. God bless the SCA.”
The chair then passed the microphone to Josephine Von Stiehl, who informed The SCAllion that they preferred the gender-neutral title “Comrade.”
JS: “Comrades! Too long have we allowed the ideologically impure to pollute our body politic! There must be only correct thought in our structures and governance. Effective immediately all groups of Baronial level and higher will have another required officer, that of Political Officer, or Commissar, to ensure that the will of the people as articulated by the Board is being correctly interpreted and implemented.”
JS (cont): “There will also be a new five-year plan. That is to say all Board terms of office will be five years, with an automatic five year extension.”
Comrade Von Stiehl yielded to the final member, Count Joseph Talegonner.
JT: “I have here a list of over 125 woke-ists, marshalls, fencers, and late-period trouble-makers already occupying offices at Kingdom, Principality, and local levels! This is unacceptable. These troublemakers could cause damage to our great Board, I mean Society. Comrade von Stiehl and their Commissars will immediately begin sanction procedures under the new Community Standards guidelines.”
The SCAllion: “When will the new guidelines be published?”
DT: “The guidelines are the best guidelines, secret, very secret, as a matter of Corporate Security. This is the sort of gotcha question which the lame-stream bloggers, worst bloggers, not funny, very bad, and should be stopped.”
JS: “The guidelines are classified, which is why we’ve all got copies on our phones, laptops, and a few paper copies at our homes.”
The SCAllion: “Is this the beginning of a Corporate Inquisition?”
JT: “I didn’t expect that question. No, this is not an inquisition since we feel that we don’t need to ask any questions since we already know everything we need to know.”
With that the Unscadian Activities Committee closed the briefing. The SCAllion has been informed that going forward, meetings of the UAC will remain closed and off the record.
BARONY OF HIGHLAND FOORDE, ATLANTIA – In a moment that stunned the Knowne World, a Laurel has entered and won Crown List in Atlantia with the weapons form of a center-grip shield and three-ring binder of poetry documentation.
Her Highness Isolde, OL, presented herself at the field prior to Crown list and was told that she could both enter and use her documentation as a weapon by the Kingdom Earl Marshal, a giraffe with a 12th century Welsh persona. She then proceeded to wield that documentation flawlessly, coasting undefeated to the finals, where she bested Sir Ourri d’Atainville to become the new heir to Atlantia.
“I don’t even know what happened,” Sir Ourri told us. “How do you just show up one day for your first fight ever, and be allowed on the field with a weapon that looks like a phone book. It’s not in any rules I know.”
One bystander was more excited. “She entered and just cleaned up,” we were told. “Every time ‘lay on’ was called, Her Highness walked up to her opponent and just started beating them over the head with her documentation until they called it. It was beautiful.”
Sir Ourri plans to contest the results based on the nonstandard weapon and unusual authorization, but The SCAllion (and Mistress Isolde) can find no violation of the rules and policy interpretations recently laid down by the Board of Directors and Society Earl Marshal.
Mistress Isolde said of her victory:
Shall I lambast thee on a summer day? With just a binder full of notes and songs? Woulds’t thou prefer a troubadorish lay For me to give thee all of thy kabongs?
Sometimes too hot the poet’s eye doth shine As scorn it heaps upon its fearsome foe So call your shots, man up, and do not whine And by a poet’s rhymings be laid low.
My blows shall rain upon thy helm like rain For nothing is so like itself as rain. And now you find yourself in dreadful pain Since rain,rain, rain, rain, rain is this quatrain.
So long as one can breathe or eyes can see Fall down, you’re dead, at least please take a knee.
The SCAllion shall continue to track Princess Isolde’s upcoming reign with great interest.
BARONY OF BODLINGTONE, KINGDOM OF BODLANDIA – Count Rupert the Weasel, currently facing a revocation and denial of membership for his role in the “Viscounty mill” scandal, has approached the Board seeking a plea deal.
The “Viscounty mill” was a pay-for-peerage scheme run by the Count when he was King of a kingdom whose name is not being released by the Board since the investigation is still ongoing. The scheme hinged on the fact that the length of a principality reign is not defined in Corpora. King Rupert used this fact to alter the length of the reign to thirty minutes and restricted each Coronet tournament to two entrants. This enabled him and his co-conspirators to conduct 33 principality reigns over the course of a weekend event and invest 40 new viscountesses and 26 new viscounts.
Rupert has offered to grass up the names of the officers who helped him design the scheme, as well as the names of the Crowns of six other kingdoms who expressed interest in the idea. He has also volunteered to forfeit the profits from the scheme to the kingdom travel fund. In exchange he would like to retain his membership in the Order of Chivalry, while being stripped of all other honors.
The Board has already received a petition seeking clemency for the Count which was signed by 40 viscountesses and 26 viscounts. No word has been provided to The SCAllion yet if the 66 individuals are considered to be acting within Community Standards.
SHIRE OF MARE AMETHYSTINUM, NORTHSHIELD – A newly approved SCA-Canada affiliate organization, SCAnada, has released their own sanctions guide with some changes to the main Society for Creative Anachronism’s traditional punishments of banishment: revocation of membership and denial of participation, known as an R&D.
“We got tired of having to explain to the Board that their process for R&Ds ran against the the Ontario Not-for-Profit Corporations Act (ONCA) ,” explained Baron Dermot O’Gormogan, the Board representative of SCAnada, “so we decided it was better to create a better system more in line with Canadian law, eh?”
Detailed within this new sanctions guide are administrative sanctions such as suspension and removal of officers, suspension of marshal’s warrants, and barring from participation in certain activities depending on the severity of the infractions. The changes outlined in the new sanctions guides also include the reasons for sanctions, noting the differences in Canadian and US law.
Under Section 1.B “Behavior that places the SCA in disrepute such as, but not limited to, racism, sexism, homophobia, transphobia, affiliation with Nazis, QAnon, or other extremist groups.
Under Section 3.A.2 Removal from Office of a Warranted Kingdom Officer or Deputy: now includes the provision that warrants may not be removed for following Kingdom law rather than unwritten tradition.
Under Section 3.A.3 Kingdom Officers may immediately suspend from all activities anyone who starts a sentence with “I’m not a racist, but”
Under Section 3.A.4 additions to the list of Administrative Actions as follows: “Such actions may include, but are not limited to, removal of permission to: wear a white belt with sweat pants, wear Laurel leaves more than twice the size of actual laurel leaves, using actual blood in a Pelican badge, wearing a MoD collar without a shirt, wearing more than 2 bells attached to garb and wearing every Pennsic badge you have ever received.”
Under Section 4.A.1 Banishment from the Royal Presence now also allows for the accidental and incidental breach of the 50 feet rule “any banished individual accidentally coming within 50 feet of the Crown must, within 5 seconds, remove themselves from the Royal presence while dancing a sprightly jig.
Under Section 4.B.1 Exile from the Kingdom is changed to “This does not preclude participation in activities in other non-Canadian, non-gun controlled Kingdoms.”
Under Section 4.C.5.f the explanation of behavior that can be sanctioned now includes but is not limited to, bullying, harassment, poking your nose in other people’s business, non-consensual seam checks, and exploiting Peer-fear.
Under Section 4.D. Emergency Temporary Removal from Participation now includes a provision for the use of a trebuchet, catapult, ballista, or another handy way to remove the participant from an event.
Under Section 7.A. Appealing a Kingdom Sanction now includes the provision that an unsuccessful appeal can trigger the general mockery of society at large that you have been kicked out of a hobby group for being a hoser.
Several members of cross-border kingdoms have welcomed the new governing documents for the new corporate entity and are beginning to push that their kingdoms comply primarily with the Canadian affiliate.
BARONY OF BODLINGTONE, KINGDOM OF BODLANDIA — After years of silence and frustration, the Board of Directors of the Society for Creative Anachronism finally will be releasing its requirements for a path to Peerage for any martial arts other than armored combat and rapier. Reporters for The SCAllion managed to obtain an advanced copy of the requirements document by meeting with their top-secret Board source, known only as “Deep Gorget,” in a parking garage in Barony of Storvik, where they traded period cast pewter tokens for information. The contents of the document are astounding.
Martial arts communities in the Society not already recognized with a Peerage will have to complete three out of a list of a possible twenty-seven tasks in order to earn the right to put a proposal for a new Peerage before the Board. The qualifying tasks range from merely difficult to flat-out impossible, including:
Empty Lake Jennings using only a thimble;
Cut down the mightiest tree in Allegheny National Forest with a herring;
Defeat the Kobayashi Maru simulation;
Manually clean and re-stock all of the portable toilets at Pennsic in a single night;
Find an acre of land between the salt water and the sea-strand, plough it with a lamb’s horn, and sow it all over with one peppercorn;
Create an A&S project from the sound of a cat’s footfall, the beard of a woman, the roots of a mountain, the sinews of a bear, the breath of a fish, and the spittle of a bird; or
Destroy a Ring of Power by dropping it into the fires of Mount Doom without losing a finger.
Once three of the requisite tasks are completed, the petitioner(s) must appear before the Board in person, “not clothed, not naked, not riding, not walking, not in the road, and not out of the road, during a day without a night and a night without a day.”
Board spokesman Duke Orric de Mahomeriola explained these requirements: “The Board recognizes that it mishandled the creation of the Order of Defense by giving unclear and inconsistent instructions. We believe that these new standards provide the necessary clarity for any other martial community seeking a Peerage for their activity, as well as properly setting expectations as to how the Board will respond.” When questioned about the difficulty of the required tasks, Duke Orric responded, “Look, peerage requirements can be specific, measurable, or attainable. Pick two.”
Proponents of the “Omnibus Peerage” proposal are dismayed, but strangely relieved. “At least we know what the BoD expects from us now,” said Landgräfin Kunigunda Haigerloch, one of the co-authors of the Omnibus Peerage Proposal. “They’ve strung us along for so long that it’s a relief to get something, even if that something is utterly ridiculous.”
Master Thomas Roy MacGillewye, head of the Known World Equestrian Guild, described the mixed feelings of his community: “We’re disappointed, of course, but I think the Board underestimates how determined we are to see our fellow archers, throwers, equestrians, scouts and siege engineers recognized after all this time. The Board should be careful what it asks for, it just might get it.”
Landgräfin Kunigunda hinted that a group of archers already had a lead for renting some giant eagles, while Master Thomas noted that the Board’s requirements did not define the size and shape of a “thimble.” Neither representative would confirm or deny additional plans.
The SCAllion will keep track of this story as it develops.
BARONY OF AYRETON, MIDDLE KINGDOM – In a story that has become entirely too common in today’s Society for Creative Anachronism, Their Majesties of the Midrealm pronounced a Banishment from the Realm for Jacob and Ellwood Blaüen on Saturday.
While the Board insists that officers and crowns do not disclose the reasons for a banishment, The SCAllion’s inside mole, Deep Gorget, says that the Blaüens were banished for advocating that people should punch Nazis when they announce themselves, and that Nazis and white supremacists should be removed from participating in the Society. Deep Gorget also made clear that Their Majesties and the Kingdom Seneschal of the Middle were given no choice about levying these sanctions – they were given a mandate from above.
Lords Jacob and Ellwood made their statements after a run-in with a visitor to the open bardic evening they hosted at their home last week: someone identifying himself only as “a newcomer” walked in wearing khaki fatigues with lightning bolt collar pins and armbands bearing the Nazi flag and the Confederate battle flag. According to witnesses, the brothers initially asked the person politely to leave their home. When the person asked why they should have to leave an open Baronial bardic event, Ellwood replied, “I hate Illinois Nazis, and I don’t want them in my home.” The person left after verbally insulting the brothers and their guests. The Blaüens then posted about the encounter on Facebook, as described above, leading to a bullying and harassment complaint being filed against them with the Society Seneschal’s office by the angry “newcomer”.
Opinions around the kingdom were largely in support of the brothers Blaüen, elevating them to status of folk heroes. Crown Princess Carolina Piscatrix loudly publicly disagreed with the sanction. “We must stand together as an alliance to protect our game from the harm being done by the few who want to use us to live out their white supremacist fantasies. Those people should have no place in our Society.”
After some cajoling, Deep Gorget revealed that the incident with the Blaüens is not the only example of the anti-bullying policy being weaponized by actual bullies and white supremacists. Sir Stephanus filius Rogeri of the East is facing a threat of banishment for posting the following on Facebook: “It’s our duty as peers, and especially as members of the Chivalry, to always punch Nazis.” Complaints of bullying have also been made against Princess Diana of Ephesos, the current Princess of the Mists, because her Facebook banner is an image of Wonder Woman punching Hitler from Wonder Woman #2 (1942).
“It’s a sad day,” Deep Gorget complained between drags on his unfiltered cigarette, “when wishing you could punch Nazis is punished more harshly than being a Nazi. But that’s where we are, at least until the BoD gets its head out of its ass.”
Do you have a burning question about a situation that happened in the SCA and want to ask Goody? You can write to Goody at this form. Questions may be truncated for publication, and submitted questions may not be answered.
Dear Goody, I’m a brand new SCAdian, and I want to help out as much as I can. The only problem is that people in my local group and my kingdom won’t let me help. I volunteered to embroider the new royal pillows, and I was told no, even though I’m an award-winning embroiderer outside of the SCA. I asked if I could help in the kitchen for events, but I got turned away. I promise that I’m just really excited to get in and help, but no one is letting me do it. What do I do? -Excited to Assist!
Dear Excited,
First, let’s take a nice deep breath. Being new is hard! You are working to break in to a fairly tight knit community and sometimes if you lead with your arts and offers swinging, it will scare the hell out of people. You see, no one is supposed to be that excited to do an onerous project or hard work so you might want to start by dialing down the volume on your enthusiasm just a wee bit until you get your feet wet in this new community. First you have to meet people and let them know that you are A) sane B) pleasant or kind or interesting to work with C) competent in the arena where you have offered your help and D) someone they want to work with and E) not going to make them completely nuts with drama.
Have you ever been part of a group and someone new has showed up with a really big personality or a scary amount of enthusiasm and everyone shies back from the new waves in the pond? You may seem a bit like a boulder tossed in to placid waters if you come off to strongly. So, back up a few paces and wade in a little slower.
If you want to embroider, put together a photo portfolio of your work and start meeting the string people on a local and kingdom level. Show them what you can do and volunteer for a small task first. Complete that task in a timely manner with high quality results and play well with the rest of the community. If this is within your capabilities, they will want you back. Instead of showing up and trying to get deep into a kitchen with what is probably a very tight knit crew making feast, instead start by offering to do simpler tasks that make their lives easier. Offer to help with dishes, vegetable chopping and other entry level tasks.
Show people that you are reasonable and able to perform the service you have offered by your deeds, not just your excitement. Each time you come back and help, your word fame will grow and people will learn to trust you when you make an offer of assistance. With trust comes acceptance and greater responsibility. Just ease in and you will find your welcome once you prove that you can live up to your offers.
Hope this helps,
-Goody Advice
Dear Goody, I’m really worried about my friend. I think she’s an Awardaholic. She volunteers a ton, which is just part of why she’s fantastic, but if her contributions aren’t formally recognized in court with a scroll, it really seems to take a toll on her mental health. I want to help her get back to enjoying the SCA for more than just getting gold stars. Do you have any suggestions? -Concerned
Dear Concerned,
Well, this one is a bit tough, because everyone has their own language in which they best give and receive appreciation. Some volunteers best thrive on public thanks and rewards for their work. It’s just how our weird brains are wired. This is one you need to address directly, as a friend. Gently, so gently, let your friend know why you are concerned, how much you respect and appreciate them, and offer to help them find a way to reward themselves because you want them to stay for the long journey.
A service or project scrapbook or blog can help document projects or achievements and help your friend build a body of work portfolio. This is something that they can look back on later and remember all of their hard work and successes and record who thanked them, gave them a token, or if they received an award for their efforts. Even just a journal or photo gallery that can be kept on a digital photo frame at home can serve as an incredible reminder of the difference on person has made and how they have been appreciated already. When you have this to look upon all the time, it’s easier to see how you are being thanked without awards and what difference you have made.
Hope this helps,
-Goody Advice
Dear Goody, I tried to propose a US Board of Directors Meeting drinking game, but people told me I might die of alcohol poisoning. How do I tell them I’m not an alcoholic, just Australian? – Mulling over my cider
Dear Mulling
In Australia specifically, play this drinking game with a Coopers Pale Ale and not an espresso martini, even if you live in Melbourne, because you will die. Get your cappuccino in the morning to save yourself some hangovers and regrets.
As for your reasons, you don’t need to explain. We understand all too well.
[Letters contained herein are completely made up and unreflective of the actual letters we have received. If you would like to contribute your own Letter to the Editor to be answered, you may send in your Letter to the Editor here:]
Dear Editor,
I find myself in the unenviable position of writing you a missive of complaint. How dare you suggest that the royalty of the known world would attempt to set a universal time for the SCA. That is utterly ridiculous, since we’ve already done it. Everyone knows that SCA standard time is “about 45 minutes after the schedule says it is”
Dear Reader,
Please let me know how things go when every war court is late, and you hear the grumblings of children and the lamentations of their mothers as a nine-o’clock bedtime rolls near.
Thanks!
The SCAllion
Dear Editor,
As you can tell from the email, I am Jack Bearhunter, the SCA president. I need you to do a chore for me – to purchase Google Play gift cards from Target or any other nearby store. Let me know when you receive this email for the amount and denominations you are to purchase then look forward to my response. Could you please email me back?
Dear Reader,
Normally, I wouldn’t respond to this sort of email, instead, it would go straight into the spam folder.
That said, we just got contacted for the United Nations Democracy Fund, and in the interest of bringing democracy to the SCA, we actually just gave them your cards.
BARONY OF BODLINGTONE, KINGDOM OF BODLANDIA – The staff of The SCAllion have realized at a recent after-work pub crawl that they have become drastically overworked after the third Board of Directors scandal in as many months. Speaking under condition that they immediately get a cure for hangovers, they complained “how are we supposed to keep up with all the questionable actions, slipshod investigations, and blatant disregard for the opinion of the membership?” Another staff writer asked that the Board go on separate vacations for at least a month to give them a break “I haven’t actually gone to an event in months because we have to keep up with their shenanigans”.
Reporters in The SCAllion newsroom are currently wilted husks of their former selves, wading through drifts of empty coffee cups and the wrappings of fast food, candy and snacks. Our cleaning crew are on strike. Again.
So that we can send our valiant and punchy writers home for sleep, self grooming, Xanax refills, competitive drinking and meals not from a bag, the rest of the following article consists only of headlines rather than stories. Yes, those stories could be written, but it seems rather unnecessary at this point. Here are the most salient updates on the ongoing and most current Board debacle:
4/23/23 SCA employee issues vague statement via vaguebook about 1/2 of 1% of the SCA. Internet goes wild with speculation.
4/25/23 Board of Directors walks back employee vaguebook with clarification that 1/2 of 1% of the SCA have been banished. Members dubious.
4/25/23 Board of Directors statement includes apology to those who had their fee-fees hurt. Annoyed with populace interest, suggests they go eat cake.
4/26/23 Board of Directors walks back statement about eating cake. States they actually meant bread and circuses.
4/26/23 Board of Directors walks back statement about circuses. States they fully support animal welfare.
4/26/23 Board of Directors walks back statement about animal welfare. States animals should pull themselves up by their bootstraps.
4/27/23 Board of Directors walks back statement about bootstraps. States that the word they meant to use was jackboots.
4/27/23 Board of Directors walks back statement about jackboots. States that as they were originally cavalry equipment, jackboots are now regalia of the Chivalry, others will have to subsist on bootlicking.
4/27/23 Board of Directors walks back statement about bootlicking. States they don’t want the common populace that close to their boots.
4/28/23 After shocking backlash, Board of Directors walks back all recent statements, grounds self from cake and social media.
4/28/23 Pulse of the Populace Polling: Zero members surprised at uproar. Unanimous confusion at corporate level.
The only member of The SCAllion editorial staff who could be reached demanded to be left alone, but not before being given a cold washcloth and a dark quiet room so they could recover from the latest SCAllion staff pub crawl in peace.
the SCAllion 
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