BARONY OF EPLAHEIMR, DRACHENWALD – Lord Patrick Sean Kelly O’Brien was visiting Ireland and wanted to go to a Society for Creative Anachronism event while he was there. “After all,” he said, “Drachenwald is where my persona comes from.” He was very disappointed after attending a revel in the Barony of Eplaheimr, however, claiming it wasn’t a real event at all and was impossible to understand as well.
“I thought I’d be getting a nice SCA court, but instead it was all garbled and incomprehensible. There were too many “b”s and “v”s and I couldn’t understand a word.. They kept shouting “A BOO” like it was Halloween or something. It was all A BOO this, and A BOO that.”
The SCAllion suggested that perhaps court was being held in Irish, but Lord Patrick dismissed the idea, “It was gibberish. I know what Irish sounds like, I grew up in Boston.”
When The SCAllion spoke to Baroness Joceyln de Fresnel of Eplaheimr about Lord Patrick’s comments, she just sighed.
KNOWNE WORLD – Across all of the kingdoms of the Knowne World, wordsmiths of the Society for Creative Anachronism are launching a sympathy strike with the Writers Guild of America (WGA). These “wordsmiths” of the Knowne World are those who provide texts for award scrolls and related documents, as well as ceremony heralds and royal schtick writers. Renowned wordsmith and poet, Magistra Virginia Lupa released a statement.
“So much of what we do in the Knowne World has been influenced by members of the WGA, whose work has informed and, if you will pardon a little scribal joke, illuminated our own work. While members of the WGA are striking over issues which affect their very livelihood, SCA wordsmiths and scribes can also suffer from difficult working conditions, and although our “pay” comes in social capital and wordfame, sometimes we don’t even get that. Supporting our sibling writers in the WGA seems only fair, after all they’ve given us.”
The strike has affected all the kingdoms, though some have been harder hit than others. Kingdoms which have standard texts for some awards have suffered less than those where all scrolls are unique. Some of those kingdoms have begun to look through older scroll texts to find those which can be depersonalised and recycled. Peerage scrolls are universally unique, causing some kingdoms to delay elevations while the strike is ongoing.
Some kingdoms have even resorted to scabs, with predictably poor results. Maestra Monica do Cabo Verde, elevated shortly after the strike began, was a victim. “The illumination is gorgeous, the calligraphy is fantastic, but the text.” Maestra Monica burst into tears before giving The SCAllion a transcription of the text, which is reproduced below in its entirety.
A woman stood out from the rest Her service was truly the best A Pelican she Really ought to be Signed , the King and the Queen of the West
The SCAllion supports the WGA and the Knowne World wordsmiths in their fight for fair treatment.
BARONY OF POLITARCHOPOLIS, LOCHAC – The Crown Prince and Princess of Lochac, Ruodeger Angist and Kiterna de Kaxtone, have stated that they were inspired by the example of King Charles III of England to call for all members of the Kingdom to swear an oath of allegiance at their upcoming coronation. “We thought it would be fun,” said Prince Ruodeger, “and since Charles had already scheduled his Coronation on top of ours, we felt fine about nicking his idea.”
The idea has not been well received, either in the UK or in Lochac. However, it seems likely that more people would be willing to swear such an oath in Lochac than in the UK, since a SCAllion poll suggests that as many as 15 Lochacians said they might consider it, which is a significantly higher number than in the United Kingdom.
The most common response on the poll in both Lochac and the UK was “I’m on smoko, leave me alone.”
The Kingdom of Avacal also has a coronation in May, and The SCAllion asked them to comment. Oddly enough, they didn’t seem to care. The East does not have a coronation in May. The SCAllion did not ask them to comment, but they keep calling and leaving messages on our voicemail saying that the East, too, is on smoko.
SHIRE OF ROCKHAVEN, NORTHSHIELD – Tensions are rising today as the Kingdoms of Northshield and Drachenwald clash over the vital community standards issue of what to call the foodstuff made with some sort of meat and vegetable combination topped with some form of potato. The Drachenwald ambassador, Baroness Prudence Godekoke, apparently gave offense when presented with what the Northshield ambassador, Master Mario Vitalis, called “hotdish.” The dish was made with ground beef, frozen green beans, cream of mushroom soup, and topped with tater tots. Baroness Godekoke cried, “Ah, cottage pie, lovely!”
Violence was avoided on that occasion, but only because Baroness Godekoke was immediately ushered from the building. As tempers flared, Master Mario began to call for sanctions based on the well-established principle of “community standards violations,” and units of regional foodies began to mass on both borders.
Neutral negotiators from Artemisia were mobilized since, with no cuisine of their own to speak of, they had no horse in that particular race. However, they may not be needed as the conflict may collapse on its own.
At press time, internal tensions in the involved kingdoms are flaring as factions struggle for control. In Northshield, the two main parties, the “Tatertotties” and the “Hashbrowners” seem to have suppressed the minority “Chiptopping” and fringe “Pastatoppers” parties and are locked in a fight for dominance.
In Drachenwald, a four way battle has erupted between “The Cottagers,” “The Shepherds,” the breakaway French “Parmentieratarians,” and the fierce campaigners of the “Janssons Frestelse” brigade.
Further updates will follow dinner, err, supper, err, tea, umm, the evening meal.
SHIRE OF PONT ALARCH, PRINCIPALITY OF INSULAE DRACONIS, DRACHENWALD – Mistress Hildegard von Bongen, a cooking Laurel from a shire which is located in the north of England, has praised the effect that Brexit has had on the authenticity of feasts in the Principality.
At a class at a recent University event, she told attendees, “Before Brexit, people were very casual about the authenticity of the feasts they served. It was, frankly, a bit slapdash. They would talk about wanting people to ‘enjoy the feast’ and that medieval recipes were boring. Brexit has forced them to level up their planning. Not only are tomatoes impossible to find in England right now, but most New World foods have become so expensive that they are also off the menu.”
She went on to point out that the UK environment secretary, Thérèse Coffey, has already told modern Britons they should “be eating turnips right now, rather than thinking necessarily about aspects of lettuce and tomatoes” and SCA cooks should be doing the same.
She then outlined her plan for a feast to be served at the next Principality Coronet tourney which featured turnips prepared nine different ways.
BARONY OF BODLINGTONE, KINGDOM OF BODLANDIA — In an unprecedented move, the united royalty of the Knowne World has presented a petition to the Board demanding that they standardize time across the entire SCA.
Queen Hanna Koretskaia, acting as spokesperson for the assembled Royals, explained: “As Pennsic negotiations started and, as usual, immediately began to break down, we started to search for common ground. Any common ground. And we realized that we did have at least one thing in common: we all hated Daylight Savings Time. It wasn’t just the Pennsic principal kingdoms either. We spoke to all the Crowns of all the kingdoms, and everyone agreed, Daylight Savings Time just plain sucks. So we decided to trash it. And in talking it through, we found another problem, time zones, so we decided to fix that, too.”
The SCAllion was able to review the petition, which adopts a novel solution for dealing with the Crowns’ concerns. The Crowns propose a single “time zone,” SCA Standard Time, or SST, which will be used for all Society for Creative Anachronism events worldwide. SST will have no adjustment for Daylight Savings Time, or anything else for that matter. It will also use exclusively 24-hour clocks, although it will retain US style date formatting, over the objections of Lochac and Drachenwald, with the North American kingdoms claiming that YY-MM-DD format just “looks weird.”
“It seemed like the obvious solution, really,” said Queen Hanna. “People can set their clocks, or one of their clocks, to SST and know what time events are scheduled for wherever they are, without having to worry about travelling across time zones or,” she paused to hack and spit, “Daylight Savings Time.”
When asked if there had been any difficulty in the negotiations, Queen Hanna replied, “Just one, really. Every Kingdom wanted their home time zone to be the one used for SST, which is why we eventually settled on UTC-12:00, which is used by nobody, but does include a couple of uninhabited islands claimed by the West, which means check-in for Pennsic will begin at 0900 7/28/2023 at 0100 SST. Simple.”
“Using SST will also help us to rectify some historical injustices,” said Queen Hanna. “For instance, the Barony of the Citadel of the Southern Pass will be able to join the kingdom of Ansteorra, since the only reason it was in the Outlands in the first place was due to it being in the Mountain time zone.”
CANTON OF MEADOWMARSH, DRACHENWALD: The SCAllion has received breaking news out of the Kingdom of Drachenwald: the kingdom populace has voted overwhelmingly to form a Parliament in response to a wildly unpopular knight winning its most recent Crown Tournament.
In the immediate wake of Sir Basil Thromby winning its most recent Crown Tournament, Drachenwald’s populace came to the unprecedented-in-the-SCA conclusion that the only way forward is to diversify the governing structures and form a Parliament.
Master Roderick Charles Uffington, the Kingdom Seneschal, elaborated: “Well, almost no one likes Basil, and frankly, he’s just not good Crown material. Let’s be honest, his reign would be an unmitigated disaster, and none of us want to be a part of that. So, the peerage circles all got together and discussed it, to try to find a way forward. We thought about forming an Icelandic style Alþingi but figured we’d need a variance for that, so we decided to use the later examples of the Swedish Riksdag and English Parliament. We already have a step up over the East Kingdom’s Runnymede, in that the Crown has to have read and agreed to follow Kingdom law. Now we’re having the changes we need read into law, and moving forward from there. We’ve already got a number of nominees from all ranks and disciplines, and we’ll be holding kingdom-wide elections in the coming weeks. We will likely meet virtually for a while, until we can all get our feet under us, then we’ll work toward in person meetings. The Kings can sit on their thrones, and give out awards all they want, but we’re not going to allow them to run this kingdom into the ground.”
Maistresse Alisoun du Calais, a spokesperson for the Masters of Defense, agreed with the Seneschal. “It is among the rights and duties of a peer of the realm to defend it against incompetence. This is why many of us will stand for election in the coming weeks, to counteract a King selected by right of arms.”
The SCAllion will continue to observe this rapidly changing situation, and will report on further developments as they emerge. Sir Basil couldn’t be reached for comment, and his household has made it clear they do not recognize any efforts to form a Parliament.
SHIRE OF TRIVIUM, DRACHENWALD – In a shocking revelation, the singer Seal admitted to The SCAllion that his hit song “Kiss From a Rose” was in fact about a secret affair with a countess from the Society for Creative Anachronism.
The singer, while promoting his upcoming European tour admitted, “I’m not going to name names, because a gentleman doesn’t kiss and tell, but in my younger days, I was, let us say, involved with a Countess from Drachenwald.” He went on record to tell us that they spent a lot of time together one winter, which led to the lines, “But did you know, when it snows, my eyes become large, and the light that you shine can’t be seen,” further adding that “she was just utterly enchanting in grey, although she told me it was argent. But argent is hard to rhyme to, doesn’t have the right meter.”
The SCAllion asked Seal about the origins of other lines in the song, to which he smiled enigmatically with a raised eyebrow and said “that is between myself and my lovely countess.”
SHIRE OF HARPELSTANE, PRINCIPALITY OF INSULAE DRACONIS, KINGDOM OF DRACHENWALD – The Kingdom of Drachenwald has indicated that it will soon be looking to break with the Society for Creative Anachronism and petition to join the European Union instead.
Drachenwald’s Kingdom Seneschal, Íþróttakona Hoderina Ullrdottir, OP, gave this statement: “It is unfortunate that it has come to this, but we must inform you that, with sorrow, the Kingdom of Drachenwald will be presenting a petition to join the European Union in the very near future. This decision is not made lightly, but with full and frank consideration of all the issues and the unwavering support of Their Royal Majesties of Drachenwald. As the Board of Directors of the Society has demonstrated no interest in listening to international affiliates, the situation has become somewhat untenable. The Directors have made decisions that are incongruent with the core values expressed in Drachenwald, as expressed by our listening sessions with the populace. Americans should, in theory, be supportive of self-governance and equitable power structures. Unfortunately, the BoD has restricted our ability to change things like Crown and Coronet tournaments to be more in line with our core values.”
Íþróttakona Ullrdottir spoke further to The SCAllion: “Off the record? Seriously. The SCA has gone utterly overboard, and we’re plain knackered from dealing with it. Frankly, we’re legging it as soon as possible and we really don’t care. Does it look like we’re throwing a wobbly? Probably. But at this point, we really don’t care. I don’t want to slag the BoD off, but we’ve reached a point where we simply no longer care, nor want to care.”
The SCAllion will continue to try to decipher what Íþróttakona Ullrdottir just said so we can more accurately report on it for you, our devoted readers.
CROWN LANDS, DRACHENWALD – Recent publication of the event information for Drachenwald’s upcoming Crown tournament has caused a notable subset of the population to lodge a formal DEI complaint, alleging that the site is inaccessible to vampires and other persons with reduced vitality.
“At a start, there are accessibility concerns,” said Contesâ Narkissa, lead author of the complaint. “The only entry to the site is over a rapid brook. We vampires can’t access the site that way, so it’s a real issue.”
“The site itself is also an active church,” she continued, teeth lengthening in frustration. “So a lot of it is consecrated ground that’s just unsafe for us. We’ll be able to watch the fighting if shade is provided and there are covered walkways to the field, but both Royal Court and feast are scheduled for the indoors, and we simply cannot get into those spaces. We’re physically unable to cross the threshold.”
Feast is another consideration, as the proposed menu is heavy on garlic and Narkissa’s requests for alternatives have reportedly not been responded to. “This really is an inclusion issue,” Narkissa told us. “I can almost always find someone to snack on at events, but feast is such an integral part of the Dream it’s a shame people are being excluded due to their dietary restrictions. It’s a really bad idea for me to be in a room with garlic.”
Domn Alexandrel Calugarul, the Event Steward, told us that he believes the complaint is without merit. “The reality is that our vampire population doesn’t attend events like this,” he said while working on the silver site tokens for the event, “and for the vast majority of attendees, it’s going to work just fine. Why would I go to even minimal effort to make event sites accessible for people who haven’t gone the extra mile to attend events at sites that don’t meet their criteria or are physically dangerous for them?”
Contesâ Narkissa hissed in response to this statement. “It’s a frustrating but common viewpoint among those with full vitality,” she said. “I’m more than willing to help educate him on the difficulties, though. Perhaps he could invite me into his home and I can acquaint him personally with the challenges we face.”
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