[Letters contained herein are completely made up and unreflective of the actual letters we have received. If you would like to contribute your own Letter to the Editor to be answered, you may send in your Letter to the Editor here:]
I find myself in the unenviable position of writing you a missive of complaint. How dare you suggest that the royalty of the known world would attempt to set a universal time for the SCA. That is utterly ridiculous, since we’ve already done it. Everyone knows that SCA standard time is “about 45 minutes after the schedule says it is”
Please let me know how things go when every war court is late, and you hear the grumblings of children and the lamentations of their mothers as a nine-o’clock bedtime rolls near.
As you can tell from the email, I am Jack Bearhunter, the SCA president. I need you to do a chore for me – to purchase Google Play gift cards from Target or any other nearby store. Let me know when you receive this email for the amount and denominations you are to purchase then look forward to my response. Could you please email me back?
Normally, I wouldn’t respond to this sort of email, instead, it would go straight into the spam folder.
That said, we just got contacted for the United Nations Democracy Fund, and in the interest of bringing democracy to the SCA, we actually just gave them your cards.
BARONY OF BODLINGTONE, KINGDOM OF BODLANDIA – The staff of The SCAllion have realized at a recent after-work pub crawl that they have become drastically overworked after the third Board of Directors scandal in as many months. Speaking under condition that they immediately get a cure for hangovers, they complained “how are we supposed to keep up with all the questionable actions, slipshod investigations, and blatant disregard for the opinion of the membership?” Another staff writer asked that the Board go on separate vacations for at least a month to give them a break “I haven’t actually gone to an event in months because we have to keep up with their shenanigans”.
Reporters in The SCAllion newsroom are currently wilted husks of their former selves, wading through drifts of empty coffee cups and the wrappings of fast food, candy and snacks. Our cleaning crew are on strike. Again.
So that we can send our valiant and punchy writers home for sleep, self grooming, Xanax refills, competitive drinking and meals not from a bag, the rest of the following article consists only of headlines rather than stories. Yes, those stories could be written, but it seems rather unnecessary at this point. Here are the most salient updates on the ongoing and most current Board debacle:
4/23/23 SCA employee issues vague statement via vaguebook about 1/2 of 1% of the SCA. Internet goes wild with speculation.
4/25/23 Board of Directors walks back employee vaguebook with clarification that 1/2 of 1% of the SCA have been banished. Members dubious.
4/25/23 Board of Directors statement includes apology to those who had their fee-fees hurt. Annoyed with populace interest, suggests they go eat cake.
4/26/23 Board of Directors walks back statement about eating cake. States they actually meant bread and circuses.
4/26/23 Board of Directors walks back statement about circuses. States they fully support animal welfare.
4/26/23 Board of Directors walks back statement about animal welfare. States animals should pull themselves up by their bootstraps.
4/27/23 Board of Directors walks back statement about bootstraps. States that the word they meant to use was jackboots.
4/27/23 Board of Directors walks back statement about jackboots. States that as they were originally cavalry equipment, jackboots are now regalia of the Chivalry, others will have to subsist on bootlicking.
4/27/23 Board of Directors walks back statement about bootlicking. States they don’t want the common populace that close to their boots.
4/28/23 After shocking backlash, Board of Directors walks back all recent statements, grounds self from cake and social media.
4/28/23 Pulse of the Populace Polling: Zero members surprised at uproar. Unanimous confusion at corporate level.
The only member of The SCAllion editorial staff who could be reached demanded to be left alone, but not before being given a cold washcloth and a dark quiet room so they could recover from the latest SCAllion staff pub crawl in peace.
As you may have noticed, it has been an eventful few days in Bodlandia, and we here at The SCAllion switched from popcorn to booze as soon as the sun crossed the yardarm on Monday.
Iselda de Narbonne/Alexandra Evans and her spouse Aeron Harper/David Biggs have started a petition to ask for radical restructuring of the corporate side of the SCA, to professionalize the organization. This petition can be found at the below locations – we strongly encourage anyone who is interested to first read “A Tale of 6 Sanctions” and the petition’s FAQ.
There are two options for the petition. There is an online Google Form, located here.
There is the paper version which can be printed out and mailed in.
The SCAllion newsroom has grave concerns about current corporate leadership – if we didn’t, we wouldn’t have started writing the sort of satire that we do, trying to hold a mirror up to the SCA that we love. While we have doubts about the effectiveness of such a petition as The One Thing that will bring about necessary changes for the health of the organization, we feel that it may be a significant method for people to voice their concerns and present a solution.
Given the position taken by the Board of Directors at its April 23, 2023 meeting that sanctions properly can be imposed on SCA members for violations of unwritten “community standards,” the editors of The SCAllion have decided to provide a public service by providing examples of unwritten “community standards” in each Kingdom that visitors should be aware of, so as not to be sanctioned.
The East: DO NOT
Suggest that the Kingdom could use pre-printed scrolls for some awards;
Admit that you sort of hate going to Pennsic; or
Admit you were wrong about something on a polling discussion list (sanctions are extra likely if it’s on the Maunche list).
The Middle: DO NOT
Forget to bow to an empty throne;
Admit that you sort of hate going to Pennsic; or
Forget to fill out notarized paperwork in triplicate for all Society activities or gatherings.
Meridies: DO NOT
Question why a squire is wearing an unadorned silver chain;
Suggest that a feast reasonably might cost more than $15; or
Overlook any of the voluminous (repeated, but still enforced) regulations for displaying banners.
Ansteorra: DO NOT
Get on the wrong side of the debate over whether beans belong in chili;
Forget to ask a Queen, Princess or Lady of the Rose who is on the fighting or rapier field whether you have permission to hit them; or
Refuse the offerings of the waterbearers.
An Tir: DO NOT
Use more checky fabric in your garb than your station allows;
Let your passport lapse; or
Tell the Baronies of Madrone or Three Mountains that the other was founded first.
Calontir: DO NOT
Express dislike of camping events;
Mention that you really hate singing; or
Have a persona from post-1400.
Northshield: DO NOT
Complain about the cold; or
Attempt to go off script from the Boke of Ceremonies
Trimaris: DO NOT
Suggest that an event be held at a hotel;
Object to alligators in your lakes and swimming pools; or
Make Dukes adhere to the rules of the list or Kingdom law.
Lochac: DO NOT
Pretend as though the Order of Precedence actually matters;
Claim your kingdom owns Ynys Rhew (Antarctica); or
Make sheep jokes about the other half of the Kingdom.
Over the next several weeks, our roving reporters in the various Kingdoms will continue to compile the most notable unwritten “community standards.” We will continue to provide this important service for as long as the Board keeps trying to enforce this utterly ridiculous and frankly insulting ruling.
Dear Goody, I’m an officer of a community group but people keep saying I should be replaced just because my appointment term expired a few measly years ago. How do I convince them to leave me alone to rule my little domain? – Glorious Leader
Might I helpfully suggest you <redacted> and after that you might try <redacted>. If you choose to take my advice, please let me know as I would dearly love to watch and bring s’mores to your auto-da-fé and bask in the warmth as the embers burn low.
Hope this helps!
Dear Goody, I’ve been married to my wife for 20 years, and people still tell me that we won’t last because she isn’t in the SCA. How do I politely tell them that we each have our own things, and a relationship built on trust and mutual respect? -Never Gonna Give Her Up.
Congratulations on your anniversary! 20 years together with another human is a hell of an accomplishment. I hope that your next 20 years are filled with love, happiness, and comfort.
As to you detractors, I can offer this polite suggestion: Square up your shoulders, stand up straight, give a great big smile and tell them to ‘With all due respect, please piss off. I didn’t put a ring on you.’
Finish with a big smile and tell them to have a nice day. That should cover everything they need to know!
Hope this helps!
Dear Goody, There is a person of color in our kingdom who just put her hair into braids. She was at dance practice last night, and as she went through a hay, her dance partner reached out and touched her hair. She left shortly thereafter, very upset. Why was she upset about that? Doesn’t she want people to admire her beauty? -Argent Dancer
I’m not sure how you do not see a problem with what happened but let me explain.
No, that will take too long, so let me sum up.
Part 1. Consent: Did the dance partner first ask and receive permission to touch the hair of the person of color? Let’s go with NO as the answer. The dance partner touched another person in an intimate way without consent.
No consent equals no touchy! This goes for patting short people on the head, women grabbing a man’s ass, touching a pregnant woman’s belly, or laying hands on any person without consent. Unless you are attempting to keep a person from being hit by an oncoming truck, help catch someone who is falling, or give first aid to an injured person just follow that simple rule.
I like to use small words so everyone understands this: NO CONSENT EQUALS NO TOUCHY!
Even though, as a dance partner, you have consent to touch the hands or arm of a partner, you have not been given permission to caress their face, play grab ass, or pet their hair.
Part 2. Touching hair: How hair is styled and what a person wears are two of the most obvious ways a person can express themselves. This is extremely personal.
Hair is an actual physical part of a person and made of keratin, just like finger and toe nails. Would you like someone to pet your toenails as a surprise and without consent? Does that seem really intimate? Does it seem creepy as all get out? That’s because it is!
Just like someone petting you on a subway or on a sidewalk, being petted in a dance class isn’t ok. You would probably freak out if a person started touching your hair without consent.
Part 3. Racial history and inequality: As recently as 1906, an African man was displayed as an attraction at the Bronx Zoo.
Ota Benga sat on a stool inside a monkey cage in the monkey house and stared emptily at thousands of zoo visitors. This Congolese teenager had been captured and kidnapped from his home tribal territory by slave traders, forced into agricultural slavery and was then ‘purchased’ for one pound of salt and a bolt of cloth by an American missionary. This was accomplished with the blessing of the Belgian Secretary of State, speaking on behalf of King Leopold II, who ‘owned’ the property of the Congo Free State at that time. Benga had previously been displayed at the St. Louis World’s Faire where visitors could even touch him and pet his hair. In what year were you born? Does it start with a 19? When were your grandparents born? Did they live within a thousand miles of New York City or St. Louis? Do you now have any questions about why a person of color does not enjoy being treated like a petting zoo attraction?
It’s very real and in recent memory that this crap actually happened to live human beings. If you need more explanation, just Google ‘touching a black person’s hair’ to read SO VERY MANY articles written by people smarter and more well written than me.
Today, people of color still experience gross racial inequality and also generational poverty in the US. Asking to touch or touching someone’s hair sets them aside as different and other. Even when asking, some people of color may feel unable to refuse if the requester is in a position of power. This is a microaggression and super unpleasant in general.
In short: It’s unsanitary to go around touching people with your hands that have touched who the hell knows what. You would not like it if it were done to you so don’t do it to another person. Don’t ask. Don’t touch. It’s super creepy and degrading. People of color have put up with enough bullshit so let’s not add ‘Being randomly petted’ to the list.
RIDING OF HOLLEKE TOR, KINGDOM OF AETHER — o hai. i iz in ur newz sauce, typin ur artical. teh news haz com to Teh SCAllion taht a verreh gud kitteh wuz not given fish.
teh hoomans at teh feest wuz eateding teh fish, but teh kitteh wuz not aloud any of teh fish. teh kitteh wuz bein verreh gud an wuz not even aloud to gib teh fish a sniff or a lik. teh humans eated it all and teh littul kitteh did not eated any.
lolcal spokeskitteh says, “iz verreh sad. teh kitteh’s food bowl haz nuffink in it but bikkits, teh kitteh is starve.”
investimigashuns bai Teh SCAllion reveeleded dat teh kitteh had not bean fed in at leest foar yeers or maybeh an Eternitys. hoomans is denyings dis, says dat teh kitteh wuz fed firty minz ago.
teh hooman is sayings, “Get off my keyboard, you! Shoo!” dey is refoozing to commented on teh fish sitchuashion.
We asked you to be classy and cool about differentiating yourselves from our publication. You have taken steps to do so, which we appreciate.
HOWEVER, billing yourselves as the “Unofficial Field Office of the SCAllion” remains problematic as it implies a sponsorship and relationship that does not exist. No one working for The SCAllion also works for the Rapscallion. These are two separate and independent entities, and that lack of relationship should be made clear. Please remove that language as well as any other language or images with similar meaning.
The SCA provides a vast number of opportunities for humor and there is definitely room for both of us as long as everyone plays together nicely. We will wish you well on your ventures.
We thank you in advance for your quick cooperation.
Our spies at Gulf Wars have let us know that there’s a new SCA humor publication out there using a name and style and logo very similar to ours. We would like to make it clear that this other publication is not related to or affiliated with us in any way. It is its own thing. If the similar name and style is intended as a homage, we’re very flattered.
But, folks, lifting someone else’s style, name, and logo with the serial numbers barely scratched off is not cool. We fully support any and all satire of the SCA, but we’d much rather you be your own thing.
If the similar name and style are intended as some sort of clever trap to get our staff to out themselves, we are hurt that you think we’re that gullible. Try again.
P.S. Jaws in Legal has to do work now. No one wants that, least of all Jaws, who was enjoying chewing on a nice bit of opposing counsel when this all came up. Please just be cool.
P.P.S. Really, while we’re known for satire, this particular post is actually not.
Today, The SCAllion is pleased to offer its readers an exclusive one-on-one interview with Jaws, our beloved Legal Department.
Q: Are you really a lawyer? A: Yes.
Q: How does a shark go to law school? A: 3 years and student loans, just like everyone else.
Q: Are there any aspects of being a shark that make you particularly suited to being a lawyer? A. Cold-bloodedness. An insatiable prey drive. The fact that I may not actually sleep (depending on who you ask).
Q: Your answers are very short. A: As Shakespeare said, “brevity is the soul of wit.” Hamlet, Act 2, scene ii
Q: It’s not often you find a shark who can quote Shakespeare. A: I read a lot. Given that I may not sleep, I need to occupy my time with something other than eating, swimming, and terrorizing foolish tourists.
Q: What’s your favorite ocean? A: The Pacific, although I occasionally visit sections of the Atlantic. New England beaches are so lovely in the summer, particularly around Amity Island. I visited New Jersey once many years ago, but I found the cuisine to be a little bland.
Q: Cuisine? What do lawyer sharks eat? A: Fish, greens, the occasional opposing counsel, and the livers of people who don’t understand what satire is and why it matters.
Q: Speaking of satire, why work for The SCAllion? A: I believe in their mission of satirizing the SCA. We’ve all had a hard few years on multiple levels. We need to laugh, especially when those in positions of power insist on behaving absurdly.
Q: Why does The SCAllion insist on keeping the identity of its authors/creators secret? Lots of people love their work and want to buy them adult beverages. A: Because The SCAllion is satire. Satire improves public discourse by making it safe to talk about touchy issues. Thus, satire is necessary for a healthy society and a healthy Society.
However, by its very nature, satire attacks the foibles of entrenched systems and the behavior of people in positions of power. That makes people very touchy, often angry. Despite our individual efforts to live chivalrously, the SCA as an institution has a track record of treating those who speak truth to power very badly. I wish this weren’t true, but anyone who observes the Society with clear eyes has seen it, and probably more than once. Crowns banish people on whim for personal disagreements, people and their dependents are blackballed from awards or offices, or worse. Given the risks of social harms as well as real world harms like doxxing and personal threats, everyone involved in The SCAllion has wisely opted to protect their privacy. As their lawyer, I will defend their right and choice to do so.
For those making comparisons to The Onion, remember that The Onion staff has the freedom of satirizing the whole world. The Onion has money and resources to protect its people. The SCAllion is a tiny, rag-tag group of creators satirizing a small social group (yes, the SCA is small in comparison to the rest of the world) of which they are members. It’s not the same.
Q: What do you say to someone who feels attacked by certain articles in The SCAllion? A: Well, I would invite that person over for a gentle chat over some nice Chianti. I think I have some fava beans around here somewhere. Barring that, I would ask that person to examine their feelings and their past interactions with people in the SCA and consider why they believe a general satire that names no real names is attacking them personally.
The SCAllion wouldn’t have so much to write about if there weren’t so much questionable and frequently awful behavior by people the SCA endows with prestige and influence. If an article makes just one person think about how they treat others and change their behavior to be better and kinder, well, then, I’m proud of what we’ve accomplished.
Q: Given you yourself are a member of the SCA, aren’t you sort of biting the hand that feeds you by working for The SCAllion? A: Hello? Shark? Biting is my brand.
When we first gathered in our top-secret enclave to begin producing The SCAllion, we had some doubts that we would ever have enough material to create top-quality product. However, thanks to your particular brand of incompetence, callousness and casual disregard, we have achieved heights of renown that we had not previously contemplated.
While we’d vastly prefer that the Directors removed their heads from their orifices and began serving the people of the Society in a fair and reasonable fashion, we are thankful to you for helping us establish ourselves as the preeminent source for SCAdian satire.
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