BARONY OF BODLINGTONE, KINGDOM OF BODLANDIA – Count Rupert the Weasel, currently facing a revocation and denial of membership for his role in the “Viscounty mill” scandal, has approached the Board seeking a plea deal.
The “Viscounty mill” was a pay-for-peerage scheme run by the Count when he was King of a kingdom whose name is not being released by the Board since the investigation is still ongoing. The scheme hinged on the fact that the length of a principality reign is not defined in Corpora. King Rupert used this fact to alter the length of the reign to thirty minutes and restricted each Coronet tournament to two entrants. This enabled him and his co-conspirators to conduct 33 principality reigns over the course of a weekend event and invest 40 new viscountesses and 26 new viscounts.
Rupert has offered to grass up the names of the officers who helped him design the scheme, as well as the names of the Crowns of six other kingdoms who expressed interest in the idea. He has also volunteered to forfeit the profits from the scheme to the kingdom travel fund. In exchange he would like to retain his membership in the Order of Chivalry, while being stripped of all other honors.
The Board has already received a petition seeking clemency for the Count which was signed by 40 viscountesses and 26 viscounts. No word has been provided to The SCAllion yet if the 66 individuals are considered to be acting within Community Standards.
BARONY OF SETTMOUR SWAMP, THE EAST — In a move which has been met with surprise and astonishment, the combined peerage orders of the Kingdom of the East have unanimously approved a standard fealty oath for use by all peers throughout the kingdom who wish to swear fealty.
According to sources in-Kingdom, King Báetán mac Fergaile and Queen Coblaith ingen Fechtnaig asked their peerage orders to create a standardised oath in the aftermath of the specialised, incredibly lengthy, fully-documented period oath given to them this weekend by Magistra Ahelissa de Glack. Now known widely as The Oath of Two Score Terms And Twelve, it was 20 minutes long and kept Their Majesties from badly-needed bathroom breaks.
The official form of the new standard oath is recorded in several languages, to enable some flexibility for peers of different cultural personae.
For example, the Latin form of the oath is thus:
Non te dedam Non te deficiam Non vagabor et deseram te Non te lacrimabit Non dicam vale Non mendiar et laedam te
For those peers with Jewish personae, the Hebrew form of the oath reads:
לעולם לא אוותר עלייך לעולם לא אאכזב אותך לעולם לא אתרוצץ סביב ואעזוב אותך לעולם לא אגרום לך לבכות לעולם לא אומר להתראות לעולם לא אספר שקר ואפגע בך
Peers from the Arabic-speaking regions may enjoy this version:
لن أتخلى عن الأمل فيك لن أخذلك لن أركض وأتركك لن أجعلك تبكي لن أقول وداعا لن أقول لك كذبة وأجرحك
The Middle English form of the oath is as follows:
Ich schall relinquishe þe nevere Ich schall faile þe nevere Ich schall rave awei nevere, nor leve þe Ich schall encausen þe wepest nevere Ich schall sprece ileve niminge nevere Ich schall sprece gabbe nevere nor bane þe
Translations in other languages are available from Baroness Theodhild, Brigantia Herald.
Asked to explain the words chosen, Lærifaðir Gunni Stillingr, a member of the Order of Laurel who assisted with the translations explained, “It’s not that strange a move, it’s important that everyone involved knows what the rules are. Fealty is about making a full commitment.”
Despite the unanimous vote, some peers are not entirely on board with the new standard wording. “This is against all the traditions of the East,” complained Baron Estienne Flambard, a long-time Pelican. “But their Majesties know the game, they’re going to play it, and we have to go along. If you ask me how I’m feeling about this whole situation, well, my heart’s been aching since it was announced.”
Master Ricardus de Asteleghe, a Bardic Laurel, was more enthusiastic. “We’ve known this move was coming for so long,” he gushed. “I love it, and I’m not too shy to say it. I never want to give this up.”
Sources close to Theodhild Brigantia report that she spent the day after the announcement staring into the middle distance with a bottle of wine, muttering, “So it’s come to this.”
BARONY OF AYRETON, MIDDLE KINGDOM – In a story that has become entirely too common in today’s Society for Creative Anachronism, Their Majesties of the Midrealm pronounced a Banishment from the Realm for Jacob and Ellwood Blaüen on Saturday.
While the Board insists that officers and crowns do not disclose the reasons for a banishment, The SCAllion’s inside mole, Deep Gorget, says that the Blaüens were banished for advocating that people should punch Nazis when they announce themselves, and that Nazis and white supremacists should be removed from participating in the Society. Deep Gorget also made clear that Their Majesties and the Kingdom Seneschal of the Middle were given no choice about levying these sanctions – they were given a mandate from above.
Lords Jacob and Ellwood made their statements after a run-in with a visitor to the open bardic evening they hosted at their home last week: someone identifying himself only as “a newcomer” walked in wearing khaki fatigues with lightning bolt collar pins and armbands bearing the Nazi flag and the Confederate battle flag. According to witnesses, the brothers initially asked the person politely to leave their home. When the person asked why they should have to leave an open Baronial bardic event, Ellwood replied, “I hate Illinois Nazis, and I don’t want them in my home.” The person left after verbally insulting the brothers and their guests. The Blaüens then posted about the encounter on Facebook, as described above, leading to a bullying and harassment complaint being filed against them with the Society Seneschal’s office by the angry “newcomer”.
Opinions around the kingdom were largely in support of the brothers Blaüen, elevating them to status of folk heroes. Crown Princess Carolina Piscatrix loudly publicly disagreed with the sanction. “We must stand together as an alliance to protect our game from the harm being done by the few who want to use us to live out their white supremacist fantasies. Those people should have no place in our Society.”
After some cajoling, Deep Gorget revealed that the incident with the Blaüens is not the only example of the anti-bullying policy being weaponized by actual bullies and white supremacists. Sir Stephanus filius Rogeri of the East is facing a threat of banishment for posting the following on Facebook: “It’s our duty as peers, and especially as members of the Chivalry, to always punch Nazis.” Complaints of bullying have also been made against Princess Diana of Ephesos, the current Princess of the Mists, because her Facebook banner is an image of Wonder Woman punching Hitler from Wonder Woman #2 (1942).
“It’s a sad day,” Deep Gorget complained between drags on his unfiltered cigarette, “when wishing you could punch Nazis is punished more harshly than being a Nazi. But that’s where we are, at least until the BoD gets its head out of its ass.”
BARONY OF POLITARCHOPOLIS, LOCHAC – The Crown Prince and Princess of Lochac, Ruodeger Angist and Kiterna de Kaxtone, have stated that they were inspired by the example of King Charles III of England to call for all members of the Kingdom to swear an oath of allegiance at their upcoming coronation. “We thought it would be fun,” said Prince Ruodeger, “and since Charles had already scheduled his Coronation on top of ours, we felt fine about nicking his idea.”
The idea has not been well received, either in the UK or in Lochac. However, it seems likely that more people would be willing to swear such an oath in Lochac than in the UK, since a SCAllion poll suggests that as many as 15 Lochacians said they might consider it, which is a significantly higher number than in the United Kingdom.
The most common response on the poll in both Lochac and the UK was “I’m on smoko, leave me alone.”
The Kingdom of Avacal also has a coronation in May, and The SCAllion asked them to comment. Oddly enough, they didn’t seem to care. The East does not have a coronation in May. The SCAllion did not ask them to comment, but they keep calling and leaving messages on our voicemail saying that the East, too, is on smoko.
Atlantia has recently seen a succession of Crowns all belonging to a single household, with three of the five couples achieving their duchy. We sat down with the original duchess of the household, Her Grace Emmeline Neuburg, OL, to ask her how the household has managed seven consecutive reigns.
The SCAllion: Your Grace, the Neubergs have had seven reigns in a row, and today the seventh steps down from the throne. Duncan and Rhiannon are both members of the household, correct?
Emmeline Neuburg: Yes, they are. Duncan was my late husband’s squire, and Rhiannon is my apprentice.
S: How does it feel to be at the end of a four year run of your household supporting royalty?
EN: I think it has been very helpful to everyone in the household to understand exactly what it means to sit on the thrones before they fight in Crown, because we’ve all been very involved from the beginning. I’m just sorry that Michael passed away last spring and didn’t get to see our plan through.
S: Your plan?
EN: Of course. In many ways, this has been a culmination of both his training methods and my A&S project into appropriate period performance-enhancing supplements.
S: Can you explain further?
EN: I’m a Laurel now, but when Michael and I were first getting serious about Crown Tournament, I hadn’t found where I wanted to focus my research. Now, being a Queen is disruptive to actually getting research done, but after the first time, I decided I wanted to look at the work of women herbalists and midwives. I found one “recipe for soldiers” that I thought looked interesting, and made a batch to enter at Pennsic A&S. Well, Michael, bless his heart, grabbed the wrong bottle just before the field battle. He came back in sucha good mood and not at all tired!
S: So, the effect was to give him more energy?
EN: In so many ways. He’d fought in the front of every battle and said it was like he’d just finished warm ups. Of course, now I didn’t have an entry, but we’d found something worth knowing.
I kept refining the recipe, looking at other similar examples, and he used it before every Crown he fought in and won.
About 5 years ago, his former squires were starting to get really serious about Crown, so he stepped up the household practices and we talked about what it would look like to have a solid bloc of royalty with the same philosophy about reigning and the continuity we could bring. We had also never tried “Duke Juice” on anyone else!
S: This is when you brought the rest of the household in on your secret?
EN: it wasn’t really a secret, most people just didn’t believe it was a period recipe, or if it was, that it did anything! Getting the correct dosage such that someone gets the benefits but not the side effects has turned out to be a little trickier than we thought, but we experimented first at fighter practices, then events and war. It was at war when their ladies started coming to me too – it let them party half the night and still be up to go to 9am classes or volunteer all day.
At which point, the household got together and decided that we were going to see if we could put together a ruling bloc for long enough to effect real change in Atlantia.
S: What were your goals, then?
EN: Oh, making sure that most of the household got their peerages as soon as possible, and that we had fewer restrictions on the marshal orders. Some minor changes in law and policy- I can’t remember all of them now, we changed them over 3 years ago, and people have become accustomed to the new ways of doing things
S: I take it your entire household is on “Duke Juice”, then?
EN: Yes! At different dosages and concentrations, that’s a lot of what my research has been! I’ve refined the recipe, now it’s about the effects on a wider group! And, really, we wouldn’t have survived four years of always having someone on the thrones without something.
S: So, what’s in your Duke Juice?
EN: I mean, my research is entered in Kingdom A&S tomorrow, so I can tell you that it’s an alcohol extraction of arctic root, Siberian ginseng, hemp, valerian root, rose root, and willow bark. It helps with anxiety, pain, energy, and the ability to get things done! I am looking forward to seeing what the rest of the kingdom does with it!
BARONY OF CAROLINGIA, EAST KINGDOM – Just a week after East Kingdom Coronation, the reign of King Báetán mac Fergaile and Queen Coblaith ingen Fechtnaig was thrown into turmoil at their Curia, when the King’s squire, Noble Sigelint de Fresia, mistakenly picked up the wrong Dunkin’ Donuts order, grabbing the one intended for the Drag Brunch at the Boston Public Library instead of the one intended for the Crown. King Báetán stopped the Curia during Kingdom Officer reports shouting “Where the hell’s my Dunks?!”
Queen Coblaith, who was severely under-caffeinated, noticeably perked up when Noble Sigelint came in with the order. However, several librarians had followed them from Dunks and started shouting that the SCA had stolen their coffee. Order was eventually restored as everyone swapped their coffees, only for Curia to fall into disarray once again when the Queen declared, “There’s a Drag Brunch at the Boston Library? I’m out of here.”
Queen Coblaith, who didn’t bother to change out of garb, eventually came back to Curia with two Dolly Parton impersonators wearing Laurel Wreaths and announced Curia was closed and reopened as Drag Curia. King Báetán tabled the rest of the agenda and agreed to a new agenda focusing on actually getting things done in the East. The first order of business was to contact Dunkin’ Donuts and open talks into a sponsorship deal with the tagline “The East Kingdom Runs on Dunks.”
BARONY OF RHYDDERICH HAEL, ÆTHELMEARC: At Ice Dragon last weekend, people witnessed an unusual and surprising revelation: Laurels were shocked when they came to the sudden realization that mean and nasty commentary during A&S judging wasn’t actually being at all helpful to the artists being judged.
Mistress Anastasia Potter was heard to say: “I just don’t get it. I really thought telling these artists their work was utter garbage was a good thing, you know? It was supposed to be encouragement to do better! I really never understood why people would just burst into tears, or throw their projects in the trash as they stormed out. We’re being helpful, right? Right?”
The matter came to light when several of the participants publicly petitioned the organizers at lunch to exclude Laurels from the judging pools. Her Majesty, to whom the petition was eventually brought, is a member of the Order of the Fleur d’Æthelmearc (the GoA for Arts and Sciences in the kingdom). She agreed with the petitioners and the judging pools were hastily reconfigured.
“Why can’t people take valid criticism in the spirit it’s meant?” Master Aaron the Bagmaker objected. “When I was an apprentice, being told my art made the judges physically sick and violently angry made me want to make better art! Art is supposed to evoke an emotional reaction. Artisans at these things need to toughen up and take on board the critiques so that one day we will discuss them in the Laurel circle.”
The SCAllion hopes this new understanding regarding A&S judging spreads from here out beyond the borders of the Æthelmearc and can help Laurels of other kingdoms come to the same realization for themselves.
BARONY OF CARRAIG BAN, THE MIDDLE – The Society-wide committee tasked with analyzing and reporting on bullying in the SCA has released its findings. The committee reports that members who have sat thrones at least once are far more likely to be the targets of bullying than those who have not.
“Fast analysis found that there was a high amount of bullying reports across all levels of the Society,” said Count Salvadore di Mozo, committee chair. “The initial data was very concerning, as the numbers themselves were quite high, and we were concerned that we had a Society-wide problem on our hands. It was once we dug a little deeper that we really understood that we had one highly marginalized group of members that were incredibly likely to be victims, and that group is the Royal peers.”
Count Salvadore thanked the committee for digging in and said that the final report was corrected for validity. “Once we dug through all the reports, and threw out the noise you get from reports that were filed frivolously, or are otherwise invalid for our purposes, the percentages tell a different story about who the victims are in the SCA.”
Once the committee had reduced their dataset to eliminate invalid reports, the numbers became nearly reversed. Whereas in the original set of all bullying reports it appeared that only about 11 percent of the members of the populace that reported being bullied were royal peers, after the dataset was adjusted the charts showed that over three-quarters of the bullying complaints accepted as valid by the committee were lodged by Royal peers.
The committee is looking forward to presenting its corrected chart at the next BoD meeting, and Count Salvadore has been nothing but supportive of the committee members: Countess Nichola Wasshebrook, Duke Aeneas Drables, Viscount Diego Martín Carrillo, and Duchess Griselda Mawchlyn.
“We’re very troubled by our findings,” His Excellency concluded. “Most people in the SCA, I think, don’t appreciate that the Royal peers are the real victims here.”
SHIRE OF TRIVIUM, DRACHENWALD – In a shocking revelation, the singer Seal admitted to The SCAllion that his hit song “Kiss From a Rose” was in fact about a secret affair with a countess from the Society for Creative Anachronism.
The singer, while promoting his upcoming European tour admitted, “I’m not going to name names, because a gentleman doesn’t kiss and tell, but in my younger days, I was, let us say, involved with a Countess from Drachenwald.” He went on record to tell us that they spent a lot of time together one winter, which led to the lines, “But did you know, when it snows, my eyes become large, and the light that you shine can’t be seen,” further adding that “she was just utterly enchanting in grey, although she told me it was argent. But argent is hard to rhyme to, doesn’t have the right meter.”
The SCAllion asked Seal about the origins of other lines in the song, to which he smiled enigmatically with a raised eyebrow and said “that is between myself and my lovely countess.”
Dear Goody, I went to my first SCA event and was not allowed to fight, but I know that’s not for everyone. What do I do? -Shiny New SCAdian
Dear Shiny New SCAdian,
At your next event there are all kinds of things you can try: myriad arts, endless classes, dozens of kinds of service, meeting new people, learning more about fighting, working to get your kit together, get authorized to fight, or just inform the marshal that you are an out-of-kingdom Duke and if you are not allowed to fight then you will have the Board of Directors sanction them. Really, it’s your call.
Have fun, apparently, that is what is most important!
-Goody Advice
Dear Goody, I made a mistake at an event and I would like to apologize for my behavior, rather than ignore it. How do I make this right? -Apologetic
Dear Apologetic,
I suggest that you make your sincere apologies to the people who were there for your mistake without a why or how or back story for the apology. An apology with an ‘it happened because’ attached is lame AF and means you aren’t really sorry, just trying to explain away your error.
Own your mistake and your apology and then move on. If you manage this, congratulations on being a responsible adult and SCAdian. It is exceedingly rare.
Hope this helps!
-Goody Advice
Dear Goody, I hate what The SCAllion stands for, and I don’t want my friends to read it. How do I get them to stop? -Unamused
Dear Unamused,
Those who attempt to ban reading material and news sources have a historical way of going terribly wrong. You could learn from the past, or, by all means, rail against us loudly and give us more publicity. We love that shit.
the SCAllion 
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