BARONY OF CASTLEMERE, TRIMARIS – An unusual island has appeared off the coast of Florida, east of Jacksonville, baffling oceanographers and geologists. The Kingdom of Trimaris and the Barony of Castlemere are not worried. Baroness Lucrezia di Sana of Castlemere has claimed the new island for Trimaris.
“We were actually the first people to reach the new island, even beating the Coast Guard,” said the Baroness. “Our seneschal has a little cigarette boat and since we knew where the island was going to be, we got the jump on everyone.”
When The SCAllion asked how they knew where the island was going to be, the Baroness replied, “We got the tip off from Kingdom, actually.”
The SCAllion approached King Alex the Cooper for comment, and received the following statement. “The Trimarian Royal Astrologer, Dame Isabella Arcati, was able to pinpoint the time and the location for us. According to Dame Isabella, “the stars were right” and the horoscope was incredibly detailed.”
The Barony of Castlemere has put in a bid for Crown tournament to be held on the new island, since “there are some very cool ruins” according to Baroness Lucrezia, “and we have high hopes for the future of our new canton of R’lyeh.”
Given the position taken by the Board of Directors at its April 23, 2023 meeting that sanctions properly can be imposed on SCA members for violations of unwritten “community standards,” the editors of The SCAllion have decided to provide a public service by providing examples of unwritten “community standards” in each Kingdom that visitors should be aware of, so as not to be sanctioned.
The East: DO NOT
Suggest that the Kingdom could use pre-printed scrolls for some awards;
Admit that you sort of hate going to Pennsic; or
Admit you were wrong about something on a polling discussion list (sanctions are extra likely if it’s on the Maunche list).
The Middle: DO NOT
Forget to bow to an empty throne;
Admit that you sort of hate going to Pennsic; or
Forget to fill out notarized paperwork in triplicate for all Society activities or gatherings.
Meridies: DO NOT
Question why a squire is wearing an unadorned silver chain;
Suggest that a feast reasonably might cost more than $15; or
Overlook any of the voluminous (repeated, but still enforced) regulations for displaying banners.
Ansteorra: DO NOT
Get on the wrong side of the debate over whether beans belong in chili;
Forget to ask a Queen, Princess or Lady of the Rose who is on the fighting or rapier field whether you have permission to hit them; or
Refuse the offerings of the waterbearers.
An Tir: DO NOT
Use more checky fabric in your garb than your station allows;
Let your passport lapse; or
Tell the Baronies of Madrone or Three Mountains that the other was founded first.
Calontir: DO NOT
Express dislike of camping events;
Mention that you really hate singing; or
Have a persona from post-1400.
Northshield: DO NOT
Complain about the cold; or
Attempt to go off script from the Boke of Ceremonies
Trimaris: DO NOT
Suggest that an event be held at a hotel;
Object to alligators in your lakes and swimming pools; or
Make Dukes adhere to the rules of the list or Kingdom law.
Lochac: DO NOT
Pretend as though the Order of Precedence actually matters;
Claim your kingdom owns Ynys Rhew (Antarctica); or
Make sheep jokes about the other half of the Kingdom.
Over the next several weeks, our roving reporters in the various Kingdoms will continue to compile the most notable unwritten “community standards.” We will continue to provide this important service for as long as the Board keeps trying to enforce this utterly ridiculous and frankly insulting ruling.
BARONY OF OLDENFIELD, TRIMARIS: Following on the heels of some of the most restricting state legislation bills in the name of “freedom” and “liberty”, Governor Ron DeSantis of the State of Florida announced he would be personally sponsoring a bill that would not just require bloggers that discuss him in Florida to report their names to Tallahassee, but that SCA bloggers that write for The SCAllion would also have to report their names to the Board of Directors.
“It’s very important that we uphold these values of true liberty, freedom, and support for the free press by making sure they’re protected. By putting their names on lists. Easily accessible lists, wherein no harm will come to them whatsoever as long as they write favorably and don’t say anything that makes anybody mad whatsoever,” he said.
When The SCAllion asked Governor DeSantis why he decided to get involved with Society for Creative Anachronism politics, DeSantis replied, “I was approached by several supporters, mostly from outside of the Great Kingdom of Trimaris, to bring this issue to light. Also, since the SCA is an educational society, they may fall under some additional legislation as well.” The governor paused, “Wait, is there a union for SCA teachers? We’ll need to put their names on a list as well.”
Governor DeSantis is a graduate of Yale University’s history program where The SCAllion uncovered that he, indeed, learned about the type of people who historically put people on lists, and what happened to them, but much of his training and career as a lawyer made him stop caring about the finer nuances of crimes against humanity.
Citizens of the Kingdom of Trimaris were unavailable for comment, as they were too busy dressing their week-old wounds and making a fresh batch of rum runners at 9am EDT.
BARONY OF ATENVELDT, ATENVELDT — Following his surprise announcement last week that he had signed with the Kingdom of Atenveldt for the war season, and after being named Bardic Champion at the inaugural War of the Phoenix, Sir Tom has now announced that he is retiring from the Society for Creative Anachronism, effective immediately. “I think the way to do this is to go out on a high note, and now that I’ve been named Bardic Champion, been Knighted, and had a couple of melees, it is time for me to step back and do things with my family.”
NFL fans throughout the society are pointing to these sudden changes as typical of Brady in recent years, and have started calling for an investigation of how he won the bardic championship. The Eastern Chivalry have offered Sir Tom a one-day residence contract so he can retire as a member of the East rather than of Trimaris or Atenveldt.
BARONY OF WYVERNWOODE, TRIMARIS – As we reported recently, Tom Brady has announced his retirement from professional football.
While Brady has not publicly announced his future plans, we at The SCAllion would like to remind you that we posted news of his retirement well in advance of his public announcement, and if you think that he won’t sign with Atenveldt as we predicted, well, how dare you doubt our reliability as a news source.
When asked for a rare public comment on how we broke this story before any mundane news source, The SCAllion Editor in Chief smirked.
Now that we know we don’t just report the news, but actually make the news, subscribe for updates to our stories coming out later today, including “SCAllion staff receives large bags of untaxable money,” “SCAllion editor in chief to become first SCAdian astronaut,” and “ Calontir announces first licensed derivative work: SCAllion, the musical.”
BARONY OF STONEMARCHE, EAST KINGDOM – The largest shopping event outside of Pennsic, A Market Day at Birka, brought with it an extra surprise this last weekend: a massive outbreak of ZOMBI-19 virus.
As the masses shuffled out of the four hour long court groaning for “brains”, The SCAllion was able to catch up with some uninfected fleeing for their lives.
“See? This is why I wore a mask!” said Lady Orfraisia de la Chasteigneraye from the nearby Shire of Panther Vale, pointing to the KN95 beak over her face, “We were begging for months that they would allow a variance, knowing that the virus was going around, and Birka, always being a center for plague, well, you do the math.”
The Kingdom Seneschal was unavailable for comment, and last seen in the room where the Hafla was scheduled to take place, having his intestines removed by hungry members of the populace.
Onlookers from other kingdoms couldn’t help but stand in shock, “I thought the East was more about protecting their people than this,” said Mistress Ramona from Trimaris, “The governor of the state of Florida threatened to sue us into non-existence if we had any mask mandate so I honestly thought it would be safer for me to travel, you know, to the ‘blue kingdoms’, but it appears New Hampshire has really taken the ‘Live Free or Die’ motto to the grave.”
BARONY OF WYVERNWOODE, TRIMARIS – Shortly after announcing his retirement from professional football, former NFL quarterback Tom Brady is back in the news with the surprise announcement that he has signed with Atenveldt for the upcoming war season.
Taking a break from practicing his bardic piece “Are you ready for some melee,” the 45-year old Brady told The SCAllion, “I realized the time wasn’t right to retire just yet. I think when the time is right, I’ll know, but I’m not there yet. I have more in me.”
Populace outrage continues in the Shire of Quintavia, home of Brady’s longtime team, the New England Patriots, where many still blame Bill Belichick for Brady’s decision to seek a contract with the Kingdom of Atenveldt.
BARONY OF MARCASTER, TRIMARIS – As Hurricane Bertha, a Category 4 storm in the Gulf of Mexico, barrels toward the Florida peninsula with an expected landfall this week, Duke Jose Gaspar from the Barony of Marcaster, openly declared that he was “sick of this s***” and threatened that the storm needed to “have a talkin’ to out back”, and hoped that with enough force, it would scoot out of the Gulf and into the open waters of the Atlantic.
“I just got my prefab back up to code after the last one.” He grumbled, wrapping fresh Florida Gators-branded duct tape on his rattan sword. “Sure, it gives my roofing business work, but I ain’t got no time for practice!”
When asked what would happen if the feat worked, His Grace shrugged and said, “That’s gonna be Atlantia’s problem.”
Duke Jose was last seen at Ft. Desoto County Park, swinging feverishly toward the Southwest.
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